


tonight is what it means to be young

by bewareoftrips



Series: Life's a Kick in This Town [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Breaking and Entering, Gen, Grand theft auto, House Parties, Riverparents, Self Indulgent Fanfiction, Skinny Dipping, Underage Drinking, characters motivated by oreos, parentdale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-01 11:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17243063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bewareoftrips/pseuds/bewareoftrips
Summary: the plan - steal the Baxter High Raven's playbookthe result - four wildly different stories and a night no one will ever forget





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bisexualfpjones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualfpjones/gifts), [jugheadjones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jugheadjones/gifts), [penelopeblossom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/penelopeblossom/gifts).



> The start of a late Christmas gift to my three favorite girls. 
> 
> This is fall of junior year and I know the Shaggin Wagon didn't come along until senior year but let me have this.
> 
> The title comes from [this wonderful song](https://open.spotify.com/track/5kipcj9XzSz7DD13xqF9sy) that I suggest everyone listen to to get in the mood before reading.
> 
> Mary's video game talk is about Maniac Mansion, a classic game that I can't believe hasn't been remade in recent years.
> 
> Inspired by those throw away lines in 2x15 about Fred and Hiram breaking into Thornhill to go swimming and Hermione and Mary and/or Alice stealing the school van.

“Forsythe?” Penelope stopped in the doorway of the Blue and Gold office, a lavender piece of stationary held in her hands. “You’re the one who arranged this meeting?” She tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

“Afraid not.” He hopped off the desk he was sitting on, knocking over a few of the trinkets sitting there. A framed 4x6 of Alice and Hal fell face forward against the wood and Penelope bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. “I got a letter too.” He pulled an identical piece of stationary from the inner pocket of his varsity jacket and read, “‘Meet me at the Blue and Gold during fifth period. Come alone and don’t be late. Snacks will be provided.’ I honestly thought Hal was trying to weasle a favor out of me with some of his mom’s cooking.”

Penelope frowned at her piece of paper. “‘Meet me at the Blue and Gold during fifth period. Don’t tell a soul.’” She looked up at him. “Why doesn’t mine say anything about snacks? And how come they didn’t tell me to come alone?”

“Because who the hell would you bring with you?” Hermione closed the heavy door behind her and spun on her heel to greet the other two. “Bulldog, fellow River Vixen.” She nodded at them each in turn. “It was I who called this meeting. Your mission, should you choose to accept -”

“Snacks?” FP interrupted. “You said there would be snacks. I’m missing lunch for this.”

Hermione’s shoulders slumped. “You had lunch last period.”

“Yes, and I didn’t eat to my heart’s content because I was saving room for the promised snacks.”

Penelope pouted and leaned against a desk. “Why wasn’t I promised snacks?”

“You’re both ruining my pitch!” Hermione whined. She walked around to the other side of the large desk and started rifling through drawers. “Pick your poison. Oreos, a cherry Blow Pop, or what appears to be a ziplock bag of Mrs. Cooper’s snickerdoodles.”

“Oreos,” FP called out. Hermione tossed him the package.

Penelope bit her lip. “Those are Hal’s snacks. We shouldn’t.”

“But we are.”

She sighed. “The lollipop is probably Alice’s,  right?”

“Yes, and it’s probably intended as foreplay for things you’d never do,” Hermione laughed. She extended the lollipop towards Penelope.

FP laughed, a few cookie crumbs flying out of his mouth. Both girls scowled at him. “Come on now, Minnie. You know Penelope probably isn’t as innocent as she seems.”

“As if!” Penelope took a step closer to him, hands planted on her hips. “I am plenty -”

“Enough!” Hermione waved the lollipop between them. “I called you both here for a reason, now have a snickerdoodle and shut up, both of you! I need your undivided attention.”

FP popped another Oreo in his mouth and Penelope pressed her lips together and took a seat at one of the desks. Hermione hopped up on the large desk in the front of the room, her feet dangling several inches above the floor.

“Your mission, should you choose to accept it,” she said slowly, “is to help me crash a Baxter High party and steal their playbook for the big game next week.”

FP paused with a cookie halfway to his mouth, his eyes darting to Penelope. She bit the inside of her cheek again, but could feel her lips curling into a smirk.

“Well?” Hermione extended her hands and remembered the lollipop in her hands. She tore the wrapper off and stuck it in her mouth. “Look, between the three of us, this is a solid plan!”

“A solid plan.” FP rubbed the side of his nose. “Look, Hermione. You don’t understand football. You don’t understand playbooks. You -”

“Yes, but you do!” She brandished the lollipop towards him like a sword. “You have the sports knowledge and the cool jock persona. And I know parties and flirting!”

“So I guess you won’t be needing me then.” Penelope stood up. “I need to get to the library anyway.”

“No, no, no!” Hermione waved her lollipop in her direction as well. “You are the key to all of this, Penelope! You’re our ticket into that party!”

Penelope let out a nervous laugh, sitting back down slowly at the desk. “Your ticket? I mean - what?” Her voice grew higher as she spoke. “That’s so silly, Hermione. Why I’ve never - Greendale? I’ve hardly ever been. All I know about Baxter High is,” she swallowed and pulled the collar of her sweater away, “is that we’ve been there to cheer a few times. I don’t even - what makes you think -”

“Oh, drop the goody two shoes act, Pen.” Hermione took the few steps towards her and leaned down in front of Penelope, lollipop stick dangling out of her mouth. “We all know you make your rounds at Baxter High parties every weekend.”

“I’d never!” she gasped. “I mean I’d - who’s we all?”

Hermione banged the desk. “Well I’ve seen you at those parties with my own two eyes!”

“So have I,” FP said dully. He twisted an Oreo apart and licked the cream. “I honestly didn’t think it was a secret.”

Penelope let out a another nervous giggle. “I - I have some friends on that side of the river, okay? It’s nothing big. It’s - it’s - you guys can’t say anything to anyone!” She turned to the door to make sure no one was there. “Please? I mean, I have a good reputation and -”

“Not that good,” Hermione scoffed.

She glared at her. “Do you want my help getting into that party or not?”

Hermione perked up at that. “So you will help?”

“I can get you guys into the party, but that’s it.”

Hermione bit into the lollipop, a loud cracking resounding throughout the room. “You’ll get us into the party and charm the pants off any airheaded football star who gets in our way. Capice?”

“I am not taking anyone’s pants off!”

“It’s just an expression.” Hermione turned to FP, pulling the empty stick out of her mouth. “And you, FP? You in?”

FP slowly licked the cream out of his sixth Oreo, not looking at either girl. “And what exactly am I getting out of this?”

“What are you getting out of this?” Hermione tossed her hands in the air. “You’re the quarterback! You might be captain next year! You steal this playbook, win the big game against Baxter High next week, and you’re a hero!” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “You will be captain next year for sure.”

“God, Hermione.” He shrugged her hand off and took another Oreo from the package, no licking the cream this time. “First of all,” he said through a mouthful of cookie. Hermione took a step back. “I’m a running back, not a quarterback.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Second of all,” he held up two fingers, “I don’t want to be captain next year. Captain is a thankless job. And third of all,” he held up another finger, “we’re not losing to those bitches from Baxter High. We’re going to win anyway, so why am I going to waste my time stealing their playbook?”

“Baxter High is a great team and you’re lying if you say you’re not a little afraid you guys can’t beat them.”

FP licked his lips. “Okay, sure. They’re a good team. But that doesn’t mean I’m -”

“Plus,” Hermione smiled brightly, “it’s going to be a blast. The three of us,” she gestured to Penelope, “who would ever suspect us of working together? We’re going to take those Baxter High Ravens by storm and we will be the heroes of Riverdale High!” She put her hand out, lollipop stick still there. “Now who’s with me?”

FP rubbed the back of his neck. “I have plans with Fred tonight, sorry.”

Hermione clicked her teeth, hand still extended. “FP, he ditched you last weekend to take me to the roller rink.”

“Okay, one time he -”

“Didn’t he bring Sierra to a concert last month when he was supposed to bring you?” Penelope chimed in.

“Who told you about -”

Hermione poked his chest with her lollipop stick. “And don’t forget how he spent all of homecoming chasing Mary while you sulked off in a corner and -”

“Okay, okay!” FP placed his hand on top of Hermione’s. “I’m in. Fred will get a little taste of his own medicine.” They both turned to Penelope, still seated at a desk with her hands folded. “Pen?”

“Don’t call me that, Forsythe.” She got up and slowly walked to them. “Just because we’re working together does not mean you get to nickname me.”

“So you’re doing it?” Hermione bounced up and down. “You’re in?”

“Yeah, okay.” She placed her hand gently on top of FP’s. “I’m in.”

Hermione let out an excited little squeal and smacked her other hand down on top of Penelope’s, sandwiching them all together. “Yes! Now we’re going to need two cars. Penelope, bring yours.”

“I can bring the Shaggin Wagon,” FP offered. Hermione shook her head.

“That bucket of bolts is only good for one thing and it’s not working as a getaway vehicle.” Her eyes glazed over and a smile crossed her lips. “Don’t worry. I have the perfect thing in mind.”

* * *

 

“No,” Mary said flatly.

“Mare!” Hermione whined, stamping her heels on the carpet. They were in a nook in the school’s main office as Mary sorted mail into the teacher’s cubbyholes. “You haven’t even heard the whole plan!”

Mary rolled her eyes as she shoved a stack of envelopes in Principal Featherhead’s box. “You want me to help you steal the school van so you have a getaway car when you steal the Baxter High Raven’s playbook.” She raised her eyebrow. “Was there more?”

Hermione pressed her lips together, smearing her lipstick. “I mean, sure, that’s the gist of it. But I have details! A plan!” She put her hand on Mary’s shoulder. “A script! I wrote a script, Mary, so Penelope doesn’t embarrass me too bad. And all I’m asking you to do is -”

“Commit grand theft auto.”

She clicked her teeth. “Don’t be so dramatic.” She took her hand off Mary and pouted. “Your record is squeaky clean and you’re a model student. You’d get off with a slap on the wrist and maybe a little community service.”

Mary shoved the final piece of mail into a slot and let out a long sigh. “Well when you put it that way,” she paused to rub her chin, “still no.” She spun on her heel back to the main part of the office. “I’m taking off, Ms. Bryant!” she called as she reached behind the counter for her bookbag. Hermione offered the school secretary a quick smile before chasing out after Mary.

“Just hear me out!” Hermione ran to keep up with Mary’s long legs and quick stride. “If you -”

“My brothers have this game for Nintendo.” Mary slowed down a little so Hermione didn’t have to run, a surefire sign she was contemplating the plan. “So you’re this guy named Dave and your girlfriend gets kidnapped by a mad scientist.”

“Wait, what?”

“It’s a video game. Pay attention.” Mary hiked up her backpack and looked straight ahead as she walked. “So you have five friends but you can only choose two of them to break into the mansion with you to recuse your girlfriend. Everyone has a different skill set, so you need to make a very important decision in the beginning of the game on who’s coming with you because the game is entirely different depending on who you choose. Also,” Mary placed her hand on the door leading to the gym, “there are aliens. You get what I’m saying?”

“Absolutely not.” Hermione wrinkled her nose. “Who am I in this situation? Am I the girlfriend or the mad scientist? Or the alien? Where’d the aliens come from?”

Mary sighed. “You’re Dave! And you already chose FP and Penelope to go on this little mission, so have fun.” Hermione broke into a grin. “What? What’s funny?”

“You’re jealous!”

“I am not!” A flush crawled up Mary’s cheerks. “I am not jealous!”

“You are!” Hermione poked her arm. “You think I’ve traded in one redhead for a lesser model.” She reached up to pinch Mary’s cheek. “Do you think Penelope could ever replace you?”

She squatted Hermione’s hand away. “What I’m saying is three is already a crowd and four is a mob. I’m not helping.”

“But Mare -”

“But Mare what?” Mary pushed the door open and headed to towards the locker room. “I don’t know know how to steal a car! That’s not my skill set. Why wouldn’t you ask, I don’t know, maybe Hal? He knows a lot about cars. I bet he could hotwire it for you.”

“Oh please! Hal would never partake in something this devious. Well,” she tilted her head, “he is dating Alice now. Maybe he would. But no! It must be you. No hotwiring. Probably takes too long.”

Mary sighed. “You know what I bring to the table? I can tutor someone in chem or drive drunk people home after a party or sort mail for -” She stopped and Hermione crashed into her back. “Damnit. That’s it. You want me because I can nab the keys for the van right out of the office.”

“Ding ding ding!” Hermione tried to bop Mary’s nose and got whacked away again. “Exactly! Mary, it is hardly stealing if you have access to the keys! You’re borrowing it! For school business!” She linked her arms through Mary’s and turned her around, back towards the office. “Remember, a win for the Bulldogs is a win for the entire school. A win for Riverdale! And don’t you love you town, Mary?” She nodded. “We’re doing this rotten little town a public service, I tell you. We’ll be heroes!”

* * *

 

“They are idiots.” Alice tossed back her and laughed. “This will be a riot.”

“What will?” Hal walked through the door of the Blue and Gold office. Alice perked up when she saw him and swung her legs off the desk.

“Hello Mr. Editor in Chief.” She waved a piece of purple paper towards him. “Your lead reporter has a hot scoop for you.”

The side of Hal’s mouth twitched as he dropped his bag next to her on the desk. “Hot scoop? Is that what you’re calling yourself now?”

“You want to hear it or not?”

Hal opened on of the drawers of the desk and Alice swung her legs around to the other side. “Lay it on me.”

“A select group of River Vixens and Bulldogs,” she poked him so he’d look up, “are going to try and steal the playbook from the Baxter High Ravens.”

“Well nothing wrong with a little rivalry between competing schools, right?” He looked back down and opened another drawer on the desk. “We are playing them next week.”

“That’s not all!” Alice put her finger on his chin and tipped his head up so he’d meet her eyes. “It seems they’re going to use the school van as a getaway vehicle.”

Hal rolled his eyes. “Well that’s just impractical. That van is almost as old as we are, the transmission is shot to shit. Plus, it’s stick which,” Hal chucked, “come on. No one appreciates the art of driving stick.”

“I don’t think you’re comprehending what I’m saying.” She got off the desk and tugged at Hal’s shirt. “Hermione is orchestrating this shitshow where she’s going to steal the school van and storm a Greendale party.” Alice waved the purple paper in his face again. “And I have the proof right here!”

“The proof?” Hal’s eyes crossed as he took the paper from Alice. She paced next to him as he read. “Alice, this is nothing. It’s jiberish. It’s written in code.”

“Yes!” She snatched the paper from his hands. “Code in case one of them lost it and one of them obviously did. My guess is FP.”

“FP?” Hal tried to look at the paper again but Alice held it away. “How do you even know -”

Alice stared down at the stationary. “F is code for FP.”

“That’s - no. F could be anyone. F could be Fred.”

“And why would Fred care enough to sabotage a football game? No, this is FP. H must be for Hermione - the obvious brains behind it - and P is for Penelope.”

“Okay, slow down there.” Hal put a hand on Alice’s shoulder and she turned around, her lips set and ready to disagree with him. “Penelope would never steal the school van.”

“Of course she wouldn’t.” Alice shrugged his hands off. “Hermione is getting someone else to steal the van. It seems like Penelope’s job is to flirt with the Raven’s team captain.” She pressed her lips together hard. “Oh god, I’d pay good money to see Penelope flirt.”

“This is - no, Alice.” He walked back to the far side of the desk and began looking through drawers again. “P must stand for some other River Vixen. Priscilla? Patti? And it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s not like we can write an article about Riverdale High Students commiting crimes.” He slammed a drawer shut. “Especially not a crime against the school.”

Alice planted her hands on her hips. “Hey dumb-dumb. You don’t actually think I was suggesting we write about this, do you?”

“Well you said -”

She took a slow stride towards him, a playful gleam in her eye. “No. I was thinking maybe we could use this to our advantage.” She put a hand on his chest. “You know, have a little fun of our own. Spoil their plan.”

Hal’s eyes darted to Alice’s hand. “And how are we going to do that exactly?”

Alice’s fingers crawled to the back of Hal’s neck. “We are going to steal that van instead.”

“What?” Hal’s face dropped. “Alice we can’t steal the van. Why would we - how would we even?”

“You know how to hotwire cars!” She bounced in her boots as she spoke, eyes still gleaming. “So we steal the van so Hermione can’t! And I know,” she pokes his chest, “you’re going to say something about this being mean but we’re actually doing them a favor. Hermione doesn’t get caught at her feeble attempts to steal a van and no one gets their asses ran out of Greendale for crashing a house party.”

Hal shoved his hands in his pockets. “I mean, I don’t know Alice. What’s the point? Just for a laugh?”

She pouted. “Of course for a laugh. And because it’ll be fun! And hey,” she placed her hands on either of his forearms and squeezed, “have I ever told you how hot my boyfriend looks in a t-shirt bent over an engine. A little grease smudged on him maybe. Me mopping sweat off his brow. Trying to impress me with all his knowledge of engines.”

Hal’s jaw went slack. “No. No, you’ve never told me about your hot boyfriend and how hotwiring cars may or may not impress you.”

“Well it’s true.” She ran her hands up Hal’s arms and linked them behind his head. “Not to mention,” her voice dropped low, “there is nothing I find hotter than you having some fun. So what do you say?”

Hal looked to the floor. “There has to be more fun away to spend our night,” he muttered. “I mean what if we get caught? What if -”

“We’re not going to get caught!” Alice laughed. “We’re going to take the van for a joyride and bring it back. By the time Hermione goes to get it, she’ll be too down and out to think of a new plan and call the whole thing off.”

“Hermione’s never done anything to me. Why would I want to mess with her?”

“Hermione’s called you a bedwetter in third grade and made you cry.”

“That was,” Hal rolled his eyes, “okay, that was a really long time ago. She hasn’t done anything to me recently so why should I ruin whatever mess she wants to get herself into?”

Alice shook her head and unlinked her arms from behind his neck. She took a few short strides across the room and gave the wastepaper basket a kick. “Well go ahead. Look inside.”

“Alice, what -”

She gave it another kick. “That thing you’re looking for is right in there.”

“I -” Hal followed her the few steps and looked down. His mouth fell open as he reached into the basket and pulled out what he’d been looking for. “How? How could she? This was a brand new pack of Oreos!”

“Further proof,” Alice snatched the empty packet from his hand, “that FP is in on this too. You think Hermione would dare eat those all herself? It was him. He’s a human garbage disposal. Not only that, but someone ate my last Blow Pop too!” She kicked the garbage again and sure enough, the candy wrapper was among the scraps of paper.

Hal sighed. “Okay, lets do this. If anything, it’s justice for my Oreos.”

“If anything, lets see if the back of the van is roomier than your car.” She dropped the empty package in the trash and wrapped her arms back around Hal. “Lets give them hell.”

* * *

 

“What the hell, FP?” Fred leaned against the side of the van. “We were supposed to go to the movies tonight! Now you’re ditching me for a girl? Really? This is betrayal at it’s finest.”

“Hey, I didn’t even want to go to the movies tonight.” FP leaned out the window of the van. “You don’t even know what this movie is about! You just want to see if because you think Michael J. Fox is cute.”

Fred pouted. “Michael J. Fox is cute but that’s besides the point!” His shoulders slumped. “Doc Hollywood is going to win an Oscar, just you wait and see. Who are you even going out with tonight? How’d you make a date for a night you knew we were doing something?”

FP gritted his teeth. “It’s not a date, Freddy. All I said was I have plans with some girls. That doesn’t mean a date.”

“What’s it mean then? An orgy?”

FP couldn’t help but smile. “Why? You want to join?”

“Stop making jokes!” Fred hit the side of the van. “At least tell me who they are. Oh no, are they cheerleaders? Tell me they’re not.”

“As a matter of fact, they are both River Vixens.”

“What’s going on with you?” Fred asked earnestly. He leaned into the frame of the window but still didn’t climb inside. “You never cancel plans with me. This really hurt that you’d ditch me to - to chase some skirts!”

“Really? Like you didn’t just ditch me last week to -”

“That was Hermione!” Fred pleaded. “You know she’s the love of my life! Hermione doesn’t count!”

“I don’t count what?” Both boys looked to the end of the row of cars where, sure enough, Hermione stood with both hands planted on her hips and a purse on her elbow. Hiram popped up behind her a second later with a stack of books, his eyes narrowing at the sight of the two other boys.

“You said it wasn’t Fred!” Hiram shifted the books to his other arm. “God, the least you can do is be honest with me, Hermione. That’s all I ask.”

Hermione’s heels clicked on the asphalt as she made her way to the van. “I already told you, it’s not Fred.” She peered through the window and gave FP a smile. “Give me a ride to my place? Penelope is meeting us there later and Mary is currently,” she glanced over her shoulders at the other two boys, “taking care of the other thing. Shall we go?”

“Him?” Hiram’s eyes grew wide. “You’re skipping out on me for FP Jones? Are you feeling okay, Hermione? Did you hit your head?”

“Everything isn’t a date,” she said matter of factly. She took the books out of Hiram’s arms and flashed him a smile. “I’ll see you boys on Monday. Toodles.”

Fred and Hiram watched the van back out, the two people inside both conveniently avoiding their gazes. Fred held a hand up to his chest.

“My best friend and my best girl just ran off together.” He swallowed. “I think I just felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.”

Hiram rolled his eyes and started walking towards his own car. “Don’t be so dramatic, Andrews. If Mary and Penelope are doing whatever with them, I really doubt there’s anything going on.”

Fred watched Hiram take a few steps before jogging to catch up with him. “Still sounds like an orgy to me.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Fred sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “And damn, Mary is normally my back up date too. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

Hiram fumbled through his pockets for his keys. “You’ve got two perfectly good hands.”

“Very funny.” Fred leaned against Hiram’s car. “And Alice told me she and Hal have plans for tonight so I can’t even hang out with her.”

“Fuck.” Hiram paused with his key up to the lock. “I was going to stop by his house and see if he wanted to do something.”

“Looks like we’re both going to be bored tonight.” Fred pursed his lips together. “Unless - nah, it’s stupid.”

Hiram’s ears perked up. “Everything you say is stupid. Don’t hold back now.”

“Well, we could hang out. Me and you.”

“The two of us?” He laughed. “What would we even do?”

Fred smiled. “Hermione mentioned Penelope meeting up with them, right?”

Hiram nodded slowly. “Yeah, but -”

“So if Penelope is going out tonight, that means Thornhill is probably empty.”

“I suppose so but -”

“My dad did a ton of work on Thornhill this summer. Including installing their new pool.”

Hiram broke into a grin. “Hell. Let’s go commit a little breaking and entering then.”

“You read my mind, Lodge.”


	2. Penelope and FP Crash a Party

“Are we lost?”

Penelope took her eyes off the road to look at FP. “Of course not. Why do you ask?”

FP stayed on alert, hands ready to grab the steering wheel need be. Penelope wasn’t known for being a particularly safe driver. How many close calls had he seen in the student parking lot with her narrowly missing curb or freshman? “Because we’ve driven down every street in this neighborhood.” He pointed straight ahead so Penelope would stop looking at him. “I’m starting to think you don’t even know where this party.”

“Well, I don’t know where the party is yet,” she said calmly. “I said I could get you guys into the party, not that I knew where it was.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“Forsythe!” she snapped. “I will not tolerate you using that language with me.”

“I - Penelope,” he grunted. “You didn’t want to go on this mission in the first place. You were only going because you were our ticket into this party. I thought you had some Greendale connections?”

“I do, in a manner of speaking.” She turned another corner - hardly slowing down for the stop sign planted there - and a small smile played on her lips. “Here we are. I knew I’d find it.” She stopped in the middle of the road and pointed. “A party.”

FP peered ahead. Sure enough, a large group of people seemed to be congregating on a front lawn. The door was open and people were filing in and out, red plastic cups in hand. He turned back to Penelope in awe. 

“So you don’t have a friend in Greendale who lets you in on when they’re having parties? You just - what? Drive around and hope you’ll get lucky?” 

“I do not go to these parties to ‘get lucky!’ Excuse you.” FP raised an eyebrow as Penelope realized her mistake. “I mean, it isn’t really a matter when they’re having a party.” A car honked behind them and Penelope put the car back in to drive, searching for a parking spot. “It’s high school. Someone is always throwing a party. People are predictable.”

An annoyed noise built at the back of FP’s throat, but he kept it in. “And how will Hermione know where to go?

“She’s at the payphone outside the school, waiting for us to call with an address.” She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and evaluated him. “You didn’t read the agenda.”

FP rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t read the fu- the stinking agenda. And maybe I should have because this plan is full of holes. How do we even know the football team will be here?”

“Huge game next weekend, so they’re free this weekend. Just like us.” She pulled over as close as she could to the side so the car behind them could go around. They honked again as they passed and FP flipped them off. “We’re their arch rivals and they’ve beat us the last two years. They are full of themselves. They’ll want to get all riled up. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a bulldog pinata step up in the backyard just to spite us.” Her eyes darted to the house and her voice dropped. “They have a weird thing with pinatas. I think they think they work like voodoo dolls. This is a very strange town.”

FP let out an unexpected laugh. Penelope wasn’t one to make jokes. “Stranger than Riverdale?”

“Strange in a different way.” Penelope started backing up into a parking spot and winced as she hit the curb. “Plus, their team captain is an absolute moron, party animal.” She sighed. “One of those very attractive, very popular young men,” she hit the curb again, “who has no aspirations beyond the next week.” Her eyes darted to him. “No offence.”

“None taken.” He rolled his eyes. “I have aspirations, thanks.”

“I didn’t mean - I’m sure you do. But I assure you the only thing this boy has on his mind tonight is bashing Bulldogs and perhaps,” she clicked her teeth in distaste. “Nevermind.”

“Sounds like you know him.” 

“I have made his acquaintance, but I’m quite sure he doesn’t even remember my,” she hit the curb for a third time, “shit!” Her hands let go of the wheel and covered her mouth.

“Language, Penelope.” FP peered out the window. “You want me to get out and direct you?”

Penelope’s eyes popped out of their sockets. “No! People will see!”

“So what? We don’t even know these people.” 

She rapped her nails against the steering wheel. “I already have a reputation for being a bad driver at Riverdale High. I will not let that follow me here.”

“But -”

“And I will not let us make a spectacle of ourselves! The point is to not draw attention.” 

“Fine. Just get out and I’ll park.”

“This is my car. No one else is allowed to drive my car. My parents would be furious.”

“Your parents don’t need to know.”

“But I’ll know!” She sighed. “I can do this, I swear.” She backed up slowly into the spot once again, tapping the curb and just missing the bumper of the car behind her by a fraction of an inch. The job wasn’t perfect, but it would do.

FP examined Penelope’s handy work over his shoulder as they walked towards the house. “On the bright side, you’re at such an angle, pulling out will be a cinch. We won’t even need that get away van.”

“I’ll still need a way to get home.” A few people on the lawn waved at Penelope and she quickly waved back. FP joined her. “I’d rather not come back for it later like Hermione suggested.” She took off at a trot and FP had to jog to keep up with her. “We need to find a phone.”

“Hey, do you know those people?”

“What people?” She spun back around and poked his chest. “Kitchen, right? Most people have a phone in the kitchen?”

“Well sure, but -”

“Long time no see, Cherry!” someone shouted as they pushed through the crowded foyer. Penelope shrugged and smiled, giving another quick wave. She blindly reached back and grabbed FP”s hand, pulling him with her.

“Cherry, huh?”

“Don’t you dare!” she hissed back at him, her short nails pressing into his palm. “Look, it’s better than giving out my real name at these things.”

“So no one knows your real name here?” He looked around the almost empty kitchen and pointed at the phone next to the panty. Penelope started dialing and FP pressed the button down before she could finish. “I think you owe me an explanation.” 

The dial tone rang from the receiver as she shot him a look that would make even Alice’s blood run cold. “I do not owe you a thing. I said I would get you into this party and look. We walked right in, no questions asked. That’s because you were with me.”

“This isn’t exactly my first time in Greendale, sweetheart.” Penelope’s eyes narrowed at the endearment. “Fine. This isn’t my first time in Greendale, Cherry. I saw you at a party once before and we were both nice enough to respectfully ignore each other.” He let go of the button on on the phone. “So what gives?”

Penelope sized him up as she twisted the phone cord around her finger. “Some people know my name, but it’s not something I hand out willy-nilly. I prefer to be the mysterious River Vixen who shows up unannounced and answers to no one. If some only know me as Cherry from Riverdale, then, well, I am okay with that.”

FP crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “But why?”

She sighed. “Because of exactly that, Forsythe. Why. No one asks me why I do anything here. I can just do whatever I want, be whoever I want to be.” She looks wistfully over her shoulder at the crowd in the living room clearing out space for spin the bottle. “I can do what I want here and face no repercussions. No one gossiping about me on Monday morning or bringing it up to embarrass me later on. When I’m here,” she looked back at him, “I’m no one, but at the same time, that makes me someone. Someone I would never be at Riverdale High. Does - does that make any sense?”

FP nodded curtly, his heart pounding in his chest. “Yeah, sure. Just uh, call Hermione, okay?”

She dialed the number of the payphone and got an answer right away.

“Hermione? We’re at 117 Scotch Street in Greendale. You have a map of Rockland County, right?”

“Of course I don’t have a map! Mary,” Hermione’s voice faded, “did you bring a map?”

“Mary’s there with you?” Penelope’s heart sank. The plan hadn’t been to bring another person to the party with her. FP perked up at the name. “Well listen. When you get to the main road, just make a left at -”

“I don’t know the main road!”

She clicked her teeth. “Don’t you know Greendale? You’ve been here enough!” 

“No, I don’t just know Greendale like that! What main road?”

Penelope sighed. “I told you to add getting a map to -” FP reached past her and clicked the button on the phone, ending the call. “What did you do that for?”

FP shrugged. “She was being a pain in the ass.”

“You couldn’t even hear her!”

“She’s always a pain in the ass. I doubt she’s being any different tonight.”

Penelope started dialing the number again and he took the phone from her hand. “Nope. We’re not doing this.” He put the phone down and took her by the arm, pulling her back towards the party. “So she roped Mary into this too, huh?”

She pursed her lips. “Sounds like it.”

“Mary never can say no to her.” FP shook his head. “Shit, I guess none of us can. We’re both here, aren’t we?”

“She is very pretty.” Penelope covered her mouth. “Persuasive I mean. She is very persuasive. Geez. I must be contact intoxicated already.”

“Hermione’s not pretty.” FP let go of her arm when they got to the end of the keg line. “She’s smoking hot and she knows it. Girls like her can do whatever they want, no worries.”

“You’re right,” Penelope sighed. The got to the front of the line and each took a plastic cup of beer. “You can have this.” She turned up her nose at it. “I need to drive  later.”

“Live a little.” He gulped half the cup. “If Mary is coming, she’ll drive your car home. Plus, I get the feeling you’re going to need a little liquid courage if you have to flirt with the team captain.” 

She frowned into her cup. “Well, here goes nothing, Forsythe.” FP clicked his plastic cup against hers. Penelope pinched her nose and chugged. 

“Forsythe.” FP stretched out each syllable as he said his name. “Why do you always call me that?” 

Penelope swayed, slightly lightheaded from drinking too quickly. She held out the cup to FP with a huff. “Forsythe is your name. What on earth should I call you?”

“You could call me FP like everyone else.” He refilled their plastic cups and handed hers back. 

“Oh please.” She started walking through the crowd again, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling. “You can’t just go by your initials. You are no Jason Dean.” She examined him over the rim of her cup. “Jason Dean is -

“Christian Slater in Heathers.” He rolled his eyes, mimicking her. “I’ve seen Heathers, Penelope. I love Heathers.” Penelope pursed her lips and FP smiled into his cup. “It might even be my fav-”

“Don’t you dare!” Penelope spun around fast enough that some beer almost sloshed out of her cup. She waved a finger at him. “Heathers is my favorite movie! No way you understand the subtle nuances of it, or the -”

“Relax, relax. You need to loosen up a bit.” Penelope spun away from him but FP caught her shoulder. He nodded to the next room. “You up for a little game?”

* * *

 

“And the Riverdale couple wins again!” 

A mix of cheers and boos came from the crowd surrounding the beer pong table. Penelope had picked up the game surprisingly fast after FP told her the more she drank, the better she’d be at it. She still pulled a terrible face with every sip of beer, but she was being a good sport about it.

FP let out a bellowing laugh at Penelope’s shoulder. “Oh, we’re not a -”

“A couple!” Penelope finished. She looked around the crowd quickly and spotted George, the football team’s captain, glaring at them. She snaked her arms around FP’s body and pulled him into an embrace. “Of course we’re not a couple. We are the couple! No Baxter High Ravens can beat us at anything.”

Half the crowd around them laughed and the rest booed. FP leaned down to her ear.

“What happened to keeping a low profile?” he whispered, pulling her away a few feet so the next two teams could play. 

“Just play along,” she hissed at him. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, earning a few coos from the girls in the crowd. She jutted her chin up at the mantle over the fireplace. The weather was still too warm to put it to use, but there were two lit candles and right between them -

“Is that their playbook?”

“Umhmm.” She gripped his arm. “A shine to it, it looks like. I told you they were strange. And do you see the guy over there? The big one, doesn’t look like he does much in the way of critical thinking?” FP nodded. “That’s George Garrison, the team captain. How’s he look?”

“Well, he’s kind of big and brawny. Not really my -”

“His face, Forsythe!” She grabbed FP by the collar of his shirt so he’d look down at her. “Is he looking at us?” 

His eyes traveled to him and back down to Penelope when she gave him another tug. “Yup. Looking dead at us. Glaring might be a better word actually.”

Penelope’s cheeks rounded as she broke into a cheerful grin. “Good.” She spun her head around quickly and looked at him before turning it back. “How’s he look now?”

“Now he looks pissed.”

“Perfect.” She tugged him down so she could whisper in his ear. “Now laugh as if I said something very funny.”

FP let out a bellowing laugh, silencing many of the people around him. Penelope stepped on his foot. 

“Too much!”

“Sorry!” he whispered back. “The idea of you being funny really is a laugh.”

“Come on.” She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him through the crowd, towards the next room. “Give him a look over your shoulder as we walk away, okay?”

“Yeah sure.” He casually looked over his shoulder, just to see George following their trail. “Oh shit, hurry up. He’s following us.” He picked up his pace, passing in front of Penelope and tugging her along. “I think if we head back to -”

Penelope pulled back his hand with more strength than he thought the small girl had in her. Before he could respond, she put her free arm around his neck and pulled him down, crashing their lips together.

FP paused for a moment, unsure of what was happening and what was the likeliness of Penelope slapping him in the next few seconds. A quick flush of guilt came over him before he finally shrugged it off, pulled her in by the hips, and kissed her back.

“Hey!” FP could feel someone standing right behind him, but he didn’t break away from Penelope. “Hey!” the voice rose over the music. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Penelope finally broke the kiss and looked boredly to the boy beside them, her arms still linked around FP’s neck. “My apologies. Did you ask a question?”

The football captain - George, Penelope had said - stood at about the same height as FP, but had at least sixty pounds on him. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked them up and down.

“What are you doing here, Vixen? Cherry? Or whatever name it is you’re going by today.”

Penelope pouted her lips. “Do I know you?”

“Cut the games, Penelope.” He lowered his voice as he said her name. 

“You have a problem?” FP asked him, tightening his grip on Penelope. George took another step towards them and FP moved his body in front of her.

“What was she saying about me, huh?” He glared at her over FP’s shoulder. “She’s a little liar, that one. Loves making up stories. We have a word for girls like her in Greendale.” His voice rose as he spoke, gaining attention from the rest of the people in the room. “She’s nothing but a little -”

“Hey!” FP took a step away from Penelope and poked the guy in the chest. “You better think carefully about the next word that comes out of your mouth.”

George sized FP up before puffing out his chest. “Nothing but a little witch.”

“Not what I thought you were going to say.” FP slide his arms out of his varsity jacket and held it out blindly behind him until someone took it. “But I don’t care much for that word either.”

With one swift motion, he gave George a shove that knocked him back a few feet. George let out a small chuckle before charging back at FP. FP ducked out of the way and knocked the other boy on his back. The crowd around them quickly formed a circle and started chanting, “Fight, fight, fight!” but no one seemed to make a move to pull the two boys off each other. FP managed to flip George around and sat on top of him, pinning the boys wrists to the floor.

“Get the fuck off me!” he shouted, squirming under FP. FP just smiled at him.

“How about I get off after you apologize to Penelope?” 

“Eat shit.” A few people in the crowd chuckled, but still no one made any attempt to come to George's aid. “Get off, Bulldog!”

“I don’t know, pal.” FP looked at the circle surrounding them, his body overcome with that eerie Greendale feeling Penelope was talking about before earlier. He shook it off. “You seem to be the one trying to get off. That a snake in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

George’s entire face flushed red. “You fucking -”

“I know I’m a good looking guy and all, but you’re a little too burly for my -”

Whether it was the crack about his sexuaity or the implication that he wasn’t someone’s type, FP wasn’t sure. All he knew was a split second later, George broke free of his grasp and punched him square in the jaw, knocking him backwards.

“Fight, fight, fight!” the crowd began again. FP scrambled backwards on his butt, as far from George as he could get. He just reached someone’s feet when a girl’s voice called out, “Fire!” 

Gasps rang out throughout the room. FP covered his head as dozens of pairs of feet ran past him. He waited until the sounds died out until he finally uncovered his face. The room was empty, even Penelope gone. FP dusted off his jeans as he got up and walked back to where they had been playing beer pong. The playbook had tipped over on the mantle, the corner catching on a candle and making the whole book catch on fire. Someone grabbed the fire poker and knocked it to the floor while two girls tossed a quilt from the couch on it to snuff the flames.

Something touched his shoulder. He jumped and spun around with his arms in front of him, still in defence mode from his scuffle with George. Penelope smacked his hands down with a smile on her face. She had a six-pack cardboard holder of wine coolers tucked under one of her arms.

“We need to get to the car, stat.” She shoved the six pack in his arms and grabbed him by the elbow, leading him behind the crowd in the next room.

“Penelope, what the hell -”

“I grabbed us some refreshments while we wait at the car for Hermione. Strawberry. We’re both too intoxicated to drive and I’ll need a distraction if I have to wait around with you.”

“Did you -” He turned to look at the mess going on in the living room, but she tugged his arm hard as they went out the front door. 

“I didn’t set the book on fire, if that’s what you’re asking -”

“But who -”

“We will talk at the car! It’s not safe here.”

“Well can I at least have my jacket?” He looked up at the full moon gleaming right above them on the cloudless night. “It’s getting a little chilly.”

Penelope stopped abruptly half way down the front lawn and he crashed into her back. “Why would I have your jacket?” She looked him up and down. “When did you take it off?”

FP shook his head. “I took it off right before I fought that guy.”

“You fought who?” Her eyes widened. “George?” 

“Yeah, I -” He rubbed his temple with his free hand. “Penelope, you were right there! He called you a witch and I handed you my jacket and -”

“I snuck away as soon as you started talking to him. Why?” 

“Why what?”

“Why,” her voice dropped, “would you fight him for calling me a witch?”

“Well you know he wanted to say bitch, but I would have knocked him flat out for that.” Penelope’s face softened at his words. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head slowly. “You didn’t need to do that for me. I can handle a few cruel words. I’ve been called worse.”

“Okay, but you shouldn’t need to take that. I’m not letting some skeezeball shit talk one of my friends.” Penelope raised an eyebrow. “Well, maybe not friends exactly, but trust me, I’m not letting anyone get talked about that way in front of me. Fuck that guy.”

Penelope crossed her arms over her chest. “We, well - George and I went out a few times.” She broke her gaze with him and stared up at the moon. “And one night we were going to, you know.” She pressed her lips together, the pink rising in her cheeks. “But he couldn’t - he couldn’t perform.” She finally looked back at him. “And then he made me feel bad about it. Like it was somehow my fault. I had actually heard a similar story from another River Vixen who was acquainted with him, so I kindly suggested that perhaps he just isn’t attracted to girls. No shame in that, of course. However, he took it very poorly and told me not to show my face around Greendale ever again.”

FP snorted. “Well that would explain the boner when I got on top of him.”

Penelope gasped. “The what?”

“He -”

“Hey!” A dark haired girl ran down the front steps after them, waving a blue and yellow jacket. “I think you forgot this!”

“Oh, thanks.” FP handed the six pack back to Penelope and took his jacket from the girl. “I must have left it inside.”

“Well, no.” She tossed her long hair over her shoulder as FP took the jacket back from her and put it outside. “Your girlfriend already left and you were just holding it out for someone to grab, so I took it.”

“Yeah, thanks. Uhh.” He held out his hand. “FP Jones.”

The girl eyed his hand with a smirk on her face, but still shook it. “Yeah, I know, Mr Big Man on Campus. I go to Riverdale High too.” 

FP continued to shake her hand. “And your name is?”

“None of your business.” She pulled her hand away. “It’s rude to flirt when your girlfriend is right there. I mean, hell. You already mounted that dude inside, Jones.”

“I am not his girlfriend!” Penelope said sharply. “That - that was all an act.”

“All an act,” FP repeated. “She is totally not my girlfriend. I am a free man.”

“I don’t know.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I see you with that scrawny guy at school all the time. 90210 with the long hair.” 

“That’s - that’s Fred.”

“Ummhmm.” The girl bit her lip and motioned him closer. “Come here.” She pulled an eyeliner out of the pocket of her torn jeans and wrote her number on his hand. “Give me a call if you want to.” She took a few backwards steps to the house. 

“But what’s your name?” he called out. The girl shrugged. 

“I guess you’ll need to call me and find out!” She gave them a little wave as she closed the front door of the house behind her. FP turned to Penelope with a goofy grin. She shook her head. 

“You know, Penelope,” FP started walking down the road to the car with her by his side, “this would be a perfect night if we’d just gotten that damn playbook. I mean, I know it’s destroyed and all, but if we just got our -”

Penelope held up the six pack in front of him and for the first time, FP noticed there were only five bottles in there. The sixth holder was a set of rolled up papers. 

“Hey!” He grabbed Penelope in a hug and lifted her up off her feet, giving her the slightest little spin. “You said you didn’t start the fire!”

“Put me down!” She smacked his arm, but smiled. “I didn’t. I ripped the papers out and when I was putting the binder back on the mantle, it tipped over and, well, it was for the better because I guess it stopped your fight at least.”

“Maybe it’s just the booze talking, but we make a decent team.” FP grabbed two of the bottles from Penelope and opened them. “To one really strange partnership.” 

Penelope offered up a lopsided smile and took the bottle. “I will drink to that, FP.”


	3. Alice and Hal Steal a Van

“Hal.” Alice wiggled her hips to get her boyfriend’s attention. “Hal! We’re here!” He finally loosen his death grip around her as she smacked his hands on her waist. “Come on. We’ve done this so many times before. How can you still be scared?”

“Not scared.” Hal made no move to get up or let go of her. “Riding on the back of your bike is exhilarating. It’s a trill. My heart is going to burst out of my chest, I love it so much.” 

His eyes were still shut tight as she turned her head to look at him. He let out a shaky breath and finally opened up, one eye at a time. 

“You’ll get used to it one day, I promise.”

Hal let go of her hips and slid off the bike. “No, no. I am used to it. It’s just like, it’s like riding a roller coaster. It doesn’t matter how many times I do it, it’s the rush that gets me.” 

“You’re only getting a rush because you’re scared.” Alice tossed her legs off the bike and wiped the dust from Hal’s shoulders. “Once you learn to ride yourself it’s way more fun. I promise you, the wind in your face,” she pat his cheek, “feels way better when you’re not hiding in my hair.” 

“Once I learn to -” Hal shook his head. “I’d rather not put my mom in an early grave, thanks. If I don’t kill myself wiping out, she’ll murder me for sure.”

“She’ll murder you before or after you put her in an early grave?”

“You think she wouldn’t come back from the dead to kill me for riding a motorcycle?”

Alice took him by the collar and looked him in the eyes. “What Mama Coop doesn’t know won’t kill her.”

Hal’s eyes darted between the bike and Alice. “Look, she’d already be mad enough if she ever found out I’ve been on your bike in the first place. If she ever saw me actually driving it?” He whistled. “I’d be dead.”

Alice grabbed his hand and pulled him across the parking lot where the school van was parked by its lonesome. Her bike stood on the far side of the lot, as close to the gate as possible. “So I guess she’s really going to hate the leather jacket I was going to get you for your birthday, huh?”

“Alice!” Hal’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.”

“Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t.” She ran her hand up his arm. “I’m just saying that it gets awfully cold when you’re riding and this windbreaker may not cut it. Leather is more than just a fashion statement. It’s useful. Relax.” She held up a finger to silence him. “I’ll get it in brown. It’ll look nothing like a Serpent jacket. Your mom won’t kill you.”

Hal looked down at his clothes. “You said you liked this windbreaker. You called it snazzy.”

“I have never said the word snazzy in my life.” She finally let go of his hand as they approached the van. “I said it suited you.  It’s - well, trust me.” She rubbed his arm. “You’re going to look good in leather.”

“You look good in leather.” Hal took her by the waist and moved her until she was leaning against the side of the van. “So what are we going to do with this thing?” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Just go for a joyride? Because I’m wondering if they track the mileage.”

“Relax.” Alice wrapped her arms around his neck until he drew in closer. “I have a few ideas up my sleeve.” She pulled him down for a kiss and broke away almost immediately, a giggle escaping her. “You got a gun in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

“Slim jim,” he muttered, leaning back in. Alice threw her head back and laughed. 

“Of course you brought snacks with you.”

A blush rose up Hal’s cheeks. “Not that kind of slim jim.” He took a step away and reached into his jacket. “Slim jim. It’s a tool to unlock cars.”

Alice continued her laugh. “I was wondering how you got all hot and bothered so quick.” 

The blush deepened on Hal’s face as he made his way to the driver side door. “I’m not all hot and bothered,” he muttered. “You’re the one who’s hot and bothered. Insinuating things.” He shook his head but Alice could see the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile. He slid the tool into where the window retracted and moved it slowly.

“Can I try?” She leaned in towards what he was doing. Hal shook his head.

“Next time. It’s school property. I have to be careful not to damage anything.”

“Next time?” Alice bit her lip and leaned against the van again. “Have I tainted you? Given you a thrill of the bad life already? Ruined you for good?”

“All of the above.” Hal gently moved the tool again until he heard a click. “Well go ahead. Try it.”

Alice pulled the handle and the door popped open. She clapped her hands together. “You did it!”

“Unlocking it was the easy part.” He climbed inside and pulled a pair of pliers out of the pocket of his jacket. “You want to keep look out? I don’t think it’ll take long.” He pulled his windbreaker off and tossed it in the backseat.

“You don’t think?”

Hal pulled at a piece of plastic to the right of the steering wheel until it came off. “It - it won’t take long.”

She stood on her tiptoes and tried to get a look at what he was doing. He clicked on the overhead light and started fiddling with something.

“Hey,” she licked her lips, “shouldn’t you be in the engine? Isn’t that where everything happens?”

Hal shook his head. “Everything I need is right near the ignition. It’s just about the wires, not the engine.” He looked over his shoulder and smirked. “That’s why they call it hot wiring, you know.”

“Smartass.” She rolled her eyes and moved to the side of the van, peering through the empty parking lot at nothing. She could almost swear she heard voices in the distance. “I said I wanted to see you bent over an engine,” she muttered. “Not with your head under a steering wheel. You could have warned me.”

“Warned you?”

Alice was grateful he couldn’t see the heat rising up her cheeks. “I was excited to see you working on an engine.” She shoved her leather jacket off her shoulders. “It just sounds hot.”

The wind blew lightly, just enough to keep the night cool. Hal cursed a few times softly from inside before she finally heard the sound of the engine revving. She skipped back to the front as Hal climbed out, a smile on his face. 

“I did it!” he just made it outside before she crashed her lips against his. He took her by the waist and spun her half way around before putting her back down, planting one more quick kiss on her. Her jacket slid further down her arms. “I can’t believe it worked.”

“Why?” she laughed. “You said you’ve done this before.”

“No.” Hal’s eyes traveled up to the darkening sky. “I said I knew how to do it.” He kept his hands on her hips, as if she were about to run off. “Like in theory. I never said I’ve actually done it before.”

Alice let go of her grip around his neck. She gave him a quick smack on the chest before laughing and planting another kiss on him. “I can’t believe you. Why didn’t you just say that?”

Hal shrugged, finally looking her in the eyes again. “I wanted to impress you, I guess.”

“Dumb dumb.” She wrapped her arms back around him and kissed him again, this time pulling him towards the van. “I’m already your girlfriend. You don’t need to impress me anymore.”

“Yeah I do.” 

Alice shook her head quickly. “You don’t. I love you. You’ve already impressed me plenty.” She leaned in for another kiss as Hal pulled back. 

“What?” 

“What?” Alice asked back. Her heart sped up in her chest. She’d hoped to just sneak it in, hoped he wouldn’t - 

“Did you just say -” He trailed off. 

“What?”

“You love me?”

She pursed her lips and tried to take a step back, but Hal kept his grip on her, pulling her close. “What?”

“Did you just,” his eyes widened hopefully, “just say you love me?”

She shook her head curtly. “What?”

“So you did?”

“I didn’t say anything!” Alice swatted as his hands but he moved her so she was leaning up against the van. “Hal, let go of me!”

A goofy grin ran over his face. “But you love me.”

“I do not!” She squirmed under his grip and he slowly slid his hands around her. She held in her giggle as his hands tickled her and tried to keep her frown on. “In fact, I think I might hate you right -”

He leaned in her ear and teased, “You love me,” softly into it. She jutted her bare shoulders up to knock him away, but he just moved his head to her other side, his warm breath against her neck making her give in and finally laugh. “You love me,” he drew out each word as he pressed a kiss against her neck. 

Alice swallowed, letting herself melt into him. “Yeah, okay,” she admit. “I do.”

“You do what?” Hal asked against her neck. 

She took his shoulders and held him a few inches away. “You’re really going to make me say it again? When you haven’t even?”

Hal shrugged, a lopsided grin on his face. “How can I say it back if you said you didn’t say it?”

Alice let out a sigh and bit her lip, the corners of her mouth twitching up. “I love you, Hal.” 

He kissed her so fast, the back of her head hit the van. They both laughed as he broke away. “I love you too, Alice.” He placed his hands behind her head to cushion her. “You know, Smith, I’ve always known this bad girl routine was an act.” He kissed her cheek. “You’re as soft as they come.”

“Yeah, Coop?” She poked his chest. “And sometimes I think your nice guy routine is all an act.” She clicked her teeth. “Hot wiring vans and teasing your girlfriend until she professes her love to you? You’re a regular jerk.” 

“Regular jerk. That’s me alright.” Hal pulled Alice away from the van and turned her to face it, wrapping his arms around her from behind. “So now that we got this baby going, what do we do?”

“Back seat works for me.” She tugged the front of his t-shirt and pulled him towards the other door.

“No, no, no.” Hal stopped. “We need to get the van out of here, remember? That was the plan. Out of Riverdale if we can. At least for a few hours.”

“Right, right.” Alice looked to the full moon in the sky. “Well, we can find somewhere.” She took a step towards the driver’s door and Hal pulled her back. “What gives?”

“I’m driving, not you.”

Alice put her hands on her hips, blocking the door with her body. “Hal, I am not letting you drive a stolen van!”

“And I’m not letting you drive a stolen van! You’ll get in trouble.”

“No one is getting in trouble because no one is getting caught!” 

“I’d just feel better if -”

“I will feel better if I drive.” She shook her hair back over her shoulder. “I’ve already made you do one illegal thing tonight, no need for another. And,” she waved her finger at him as he opened his mouth, “I know you’re bigger, but I’m stronger. Never forget that.” She jutted her head. “Now get on the passenger side and not another word about it. We have a few hours to kill and I think I know the perfect place.”

* * *

 

“You were right,” Hal whispered. “This is a perfect place.” The two laid half dressed in the very back of the school van, Alice’s head resting on Hal’s chest and his jacket thrown over their bottoms. Her leather jacket was folded neatly behind Hal’s head. “How’d you know to come here?”

She let out a small yawn and closed her eyes. “Every town has a place where teenagers go to fuck and Greendale is no exception. I know you don’t think Miller’s Point is an anomaly.”

“Go to fuck,” Hal repeated. He ran a hand through Alice’s curls. “Whatever happened to making love, huh?”

“Making love.” Alice tilted her chin up to look at her. “God, you’re so corny, Coop.”

Hal tangled his fingers in her hair. “Yeah, but you love me.” Alice smiled lazily up at him before closing her eyes again. “It makes sense I guess.”

“That I love you?” she asked through another yawn. 

“No, that the Greendale kids would use Blossom Maple Farms as a make out spot.”

Alice snorted. “You mean a love making spot?”

“It’s right on the border between Riverdale and Greendale, so I’m sure if a Riverdale cop ever catches them, they just hussle them right back to the other side of the river. And the Blossom’s aren’t very popular in Greendale. When they closed down their last factory after it was polluting the -”

“No, no, no.” Alice sat up straight, windbreaker falling down to her lap. “You talking about some Blossom-Cooper feud is not my idea of pillow talk.”

“I’m not talking about any feud!” Hal insisted, sitting up as well. “I’m just saying Greendale residents must -”

She placed her finger on his lips until he stopped talking. “These are things I don’t want to talk about right after sex.” She ticked each with her fingers. “Blossoms. Maple syrup. School. Something dumb Fred or Hiram did at school. Your family. Ch-”

Hal peered out the window. “Hermione?”

Alice rolled her eyes. “I was going to say cheerleaders, but sure. No Her-”

Something thumped on the window behind Alice’s head. “Christ! Hermione?” Alice reached and opened the back door as Hal scrambled to pull his pants on. “Mary?” Both girls jumped into the back of the van and climbed pass them. “What the hell are you guys doing here?”

“We’ll explain on the road.” Hermione dumped a pile of clothes on the floor. “God, how did I just know it was you two who stole the van?”

Mary sat in the driver’s seat and started rifling through her purse. “I told you, you should have just asked Hal for help instead of me.” She examined the handy work under the ignition. “Nice work by the way. Good thing I got the keys though.” 

“Step on it, Mary. We don’t have all night.” Hermione shook her head as Alice and Hal hastily dressed in the back. “I have nothing to offer up Hal like this one does.” Hermione clicked her teeth. “He’d never do it for me.” 

“You’re damn right he wouldn’t.” Alice zipped up her jeans and leaned to the front. “Now what the hell is going on? Why were you guys hanging out at Blossom Maple Farms? How’d you even get here?”

Hal pulled his shirt over his head and picked up an article of clothing from the pile with distaste. He held the shirt out in front of him. “And where did you get these clothes from?”

Mary licked her lips as she sped past the Blossom Maple Farms sign. “Lets just say we were offered up a private tour and we had to leave early.”

“The clothes were our souvenirs.” Hermione snatched the shirt from Hal’s hands, rolled down the window, and tossed it out. 

“Did you mug some guy at the maple farm and steal his undies?” Alice handed Hermione a pair of slacks and watched her toss them as well. 

“We left him his underwear.” Mary got to the end of the long road and took the left to Greendale. 

Hermione flashed her teeth at them. “He had it coming.”

“Mary,” Hal leaned towards the front seat. “You’re going the wrong way. Riverdale is back -”

“I know where I’m going,” she snapped. “You guys foiled our plans so at the very least you owe us a ride to this damn Greendale party.”

Hermione’s face lit up. “We’re still going?”

“You want this stupid playbook, I will help you get this stupid playbook.”

Hermione let out a squeal and squeezed Mary’s arm. “Isn’t she the best?”

“Helping you commit a crime.” Alice rolled her eyes. “The very best.”

“And tell me,” Hermione turned around entirely in her seat, “is that not exactly what you did to Hal? You dragged him in to this!”

“Alice didn’t drag me into anything!” He handed Hermione the rest of the clothes and she tossed them out the window with all her might. “I wanted to do this.”

“Wanted to be a bad guy?” Hermione shook her head. “Shame on you, Hal Cooper. What would your mother say?”

“Bad guy?” Hal turned to his girlfriend with worry in his eyes. “Am I really the -”

Alice pat his cheek before he finished. “Don’t listen to her,” she said in a voice low enough for just the two of them. “We’re the heroes of our own story at least.” Hal sighed and she leaned in close to him, wrapping both her arms around his body. “And just remember. Hermione allowed your Oreos to get eaten. She’s the real bad guy here.”


	4. Mary and Hermione Phone a Friend

“117 Scotch Street?” Hermione twirled a piece of hair around her finger, checking her reflection on the metal plating of the payphone. “Of course I don’t have a map.” She turned to Mary. “Mare, did you bring a map?”

“Was I supposed to?” A car engine started and Mary peeked her head around the brick wall of the school. The silhouette of the school van was just visible in the middle of the parking lot. Were the lights on? How strange. She pushed her glasses to the brim of her nose and peered. “Hey, come look at this. It almost looks like -”

“Just make a left where?” Hermione sighed. “No, I don’t just know Greendale like that! What main road?”

“Hermione, I’m serious.” Mary took a few steps away from the wall, certain the dim lighting wasn’t enough for anyone to see her at this distance. She looked into her purse and, sure enough, the van keys were still there, right next to the disposable camera Hermione had given her. “I think we have a situation.”

“The only situation is Penelope not knowing directions!” Hermione hissed away from the receiver. “Now you were saying? Penelope? Pen, are you - that bitch.” She slammed the phone down. “She hung up on me! The nerve of some people. Well, I got the address at least. 117 Scotch - Mary, are you even listening?”

“Do you think anyone has ever tried to steal the school van before?” Mary asked with her back still to Hermione. 

She shrugged. “I mean, probably. But I doubt anyone’s ever done it in recent years. That story wouldn’t have escaped me.” She took the few steps towards Mary and linked their arms together, slowly walking her across the parking lot. “The key to a good heist is you don’t get caught but everyone knows you did it, you know?”

Mary repeated the words slowly, still looking dead ahead. “A good heist.”

“God, you should be thanking me! This is going to do wonders for your reputation. Once everyone finds out you helped me pull this off, you’ll be the talk of the town!” She nudged her side. “We’ll both be!” She stopped in the middle of the parking lot. “Mary?”

“Yes, Hermione?” Mary asked sweetly. She finally unlinked her arm from the other girl and tugged down at the too short skirt she’d been talked into wearing.

“Did you,” Hermione took a few steps toward with her arms out, as if the van invisible to her naked eye. “Did you move it?” she asked earnestly.

“Did I move the van?” Mary crossed her arms over her chest. “When? During the thirty seconds you were talking to Penelope?”

“Mary, I don’t know how long I was on the phone for! Penelope was annoying me!” She bounced up and down anxiously in her heels. “Do you still have the keys? Did you drop them somewhere? Maybe someone took advantage of -”

Mary dangled the keys in front of her face. “Right here.”

“Well what if someone -”

“Found out about your brilliant scheme and beat you to it?”

“Who would ever?” Hermione put a finger in her mouth and started chewing a nail. “Penelope would never tell someone. She has a stick so far up her ass, she’d never risk getting in trouble. And I’m like her second best friend, who else would she tell?”

Mary pulled Hermione’s hand out of her mouth to save her nails. “How are you Penelope’s second best friend? You’re not even nice to her.”

“The girl doesn’t have many friends, okay?” She moved her other hand to her mouth and Mary stopped her again. “So either she told Hal and he went and stole the school van, or FP told someone.”

Mary tilted her head sideways. “Would FP really tell someone when he’s the one who benefits from this the most?”

“He’s got a big mouth.” Her fingers went to her mouth for a third time and she saved herself from rubbing her chin instead. “Maybe he blabbed to Fred. Started bragging about having plans with me tonight to make him jealous and all.”

“Uh huh.” Mary rolled her eyes. “Minnie, you know Fred Andrews hardly has the brains to operate a boombox. He’s not exactly out here hot wiring cars.” 

“Only one way to find out.” She grabbed Mary roughly by the arm and tugged her back in the direction of the payphone. Her heels clicked on the asphalt and Mary held in her shock that the girl could run in shoes like that. “We’ll call him and ask him to pick us up! If he’s innocently sitting at home, he didn’t do it and maybe he’ll come pick us up in the Shaggin Wagon.”

“FP left the Shaggin Wagon parked outside your house.”

Hermione started digging through her small purse and pulled out a glittery purple address book. “Then he can walk to my house and get it. If not,” she waved the book in Mary’s face, “I have plenty of other beaus more than willing to rescue a damsel in distress and her fair lady in waiting.”

Another eye roll from Mary. “Lets just get a move on, okay? You promised I’d be home by midnight.”

“Don’t worry, Mare.” She popped a dime into the phone and dialed Fred’s number. “You won’t turn into a pumpkin if you stay out late and have some fun. Why hello, Mrs. Andrews! I hope I’m not interrupting your dinner. May I please speak to, Fred?”

* * *

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Cooper.” Hermione sighed. “Yes, if I run into Hal I will be sure to remind him that he has a curfew. And I will most certainly see you at church on Sunday. Bright and early. Have a good night.” She slammed the phone down. “Are you kidding me? Fred, Hiram, and Hal all out and Marty won’t give us a ride unless I go out with him tomorrow night!” She leaned against the brick wall of the school. “Why are things so hard for good people, Mare?”

Mary held in her eye roll. Her mother’s words rang in her ears. Keep that up and they’d permanently roll back in her head. “Would it kill you to go on a date with Marty?”

“I will not sell myself for a ride! He should be grateful I give him the time of day.”

Mary exhaled. “Maybe if you told him why we needed to go to Greendale. I mean he is on the football team too.”  

“No. There are already far too many hands in this cookie jar.” Hermione twirled a piece of her hair as she thought. “We need someone who’ll give us a ride and not ask too many questions. Someone dumb.”

“There’s got to be someone else you can call. You have a whole book of numbers.” Mary took the book from Hermione, still opened on C for Cooper. She turned the page. “Oh, how about Daryl? He’s nice.”

“Daryl Doiley?” Hermione’s face lit up. “Yes! We can bribe him with a date with Penelope.” She grabbed at the date book and Mary jerked it back.

“No, I am not letting you use Penelope as bait.”

Hermione pursed her lips. “Ginger solidarity at it’s finest.” She gasped. “Oh, Mary. I know exactly who will help us out. Only you’ll need to be the one to make the call.” She bounced in her heels again. “Flip back two pages. First name.”

Mary flipped to the B page of the date book. Her eyes widened at the name written in Hermione’s precise cursive. She snapped the book shut and dropped it back in Hermione’s hand. “Nope. No way. Not on your life. Get a new plan, a new friend, a new sidekick, a new lady in waiting, I do not care.” She turned away and crossed her arms over her chest. “I am not calling him, even as a last resort. I’d rather hitchhike to Greendale than take a ride from him.” 

“Mare.” Hermione put a hand on Mary’s shoulder but the other girl jutted her off. “Mary, he likes you! All you need to do is ask him to come to this party with us! We get there, ditch him. No harm, no foul.”

“And what about the get away car?” Mary asked, her voice stiff. 

“We’ll just - we’ll just have to escape in Penelope’s car then.” Hermione opened the book back up to the B page and took a few steps back until she reached the phone. “At this point it’s just important we get to the party.”

“Then why couldn’t you have just done that in the first place!” Hermione carefully dropped another dime into the payphone and dialed as Mary spoke. “I thought the whole point was you wanted the school van so they’d see it was Riverdale High students who did them in?”

The phone rang once, twice before a female voice answered. “Hello?”

“Hello!” Hermione said brightly into the receiver. Mary spun around at the change in tone. “This is Mary Moore calling for Clifford Blossom.” Mary’s eye bulged out of her head as she grabbed at the phone. “Why of course I’ll hold.” She held the phone out to her friend. “Work your charm.”

“No!” she hissed. “I am not asking Clifford Blossom to -”

“Hello?” a voice asked from the phone. “Mary, is that you?”

Hermione shoved the phone up to Mary’s ear, earning her a death glare. “Why Cliff, yes. Of course it’s me,” she swallowed hard, “darling.” Hermione covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. “You know how you’re always saying we should go out? Well, I need a,” she rolled her eyes, “a need a gentleman to escort me to a very upscale party tonight in Greendale.” Hermione nodded encouragingly. “That gentleman could be you.”

* * *

 

“I am so happy you called, Mary.” Clifford shot a smile into the rearview mirror of his Bentley. “Of course, I didn’t expect you to bring a friend.”

“The more the merrier, right?” Hermione shot a smile at him and rolled her eyes as he looked back to the road. 

“One of you could sit in the front with me.” He pat the passenger seat. “I feel like a chauffeur with you both crowded back there.”

“I am not your date,” Hermione said simply. “If anyone should sit in the front, it’s Mary.”

“Oh, I get very bad car sickness, remember?” Mary nudged Hermione until she nodded along. “But it only effects me in front seat. Crazy, isn’t it?”

“Totally crazy,” Hermione laughed. “So Clifford.” Hermione leaned forward over towards the front seat. “Are you familiar with Greendale at all? Ever hang out with anyone from Baxter High?”

“Baxter High?” Clifford scoffed. “Who would ever associate with those plebeians?”

“Well darn it!” Hermione snapped her fingers and leaned back. “I hate to tell you this when we’re already so close but this party is being thrown by the Baxter High football team.”

“The football team?” Clifford adjusted the mirror so that he could look back at them. “Why on earth would you need an escort to a high school party? You made this sound like it was a -”

“Well sometimes it helps to, you know.” Mary looked to Hermione and received an encouraging nod. “It helps when you have an impressive date with you to,” Hermione put a hand on her knee and nodded, “protect you from unwanted advances.”

“Unwanted advances?” Clifford asked uncertainty. 

“Why Cliff, darling,” Hermione interpreted. “You have no idea what it’s like to be a single lady at one of these things! Most high school boys, absolute slobs. Pigs! Disgusting! Me,” she held her free hand to her chest, “I can ward off most boys with a single look, but my dear Mary here, she’s so soft. She’s just too nice sometimes.”

“Some might say,” she hissed at Hermione, “that I’m nice all the time.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Hermione whispered back.

“Why go to these parties at all then?” Clifford asked. 

“Sometimes a girl just wants to, you know,” Mary gulped, “go over to the next town to a party with a bunch of people she doesn’t know and just let loose.”

“Did you say you guys were meeting people there?” Clifford asked.

“We sure are!” Hermione said. “FP Jones. You guys are pals, right?”

“FP Jones?” Clifford said the name as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. “I thought you had better taste than that, Hermione. Isn’t Hiram Lodge courting you?” 

“I have excellent taste, thank you,” Hermione said cooly. “And I need to keep Hiram on his toes, don’t I?”

“No one likes a girl that plays hard to get.” He shook his head sadly. “Men don’t think very highly of girls like that.”

Mary clicked her teeth. “I don’t think men should be thinking of young girls at all. And I don’t think girls should care what boys think about them.”

Clifford chuckled. “You are funny, Mary. I love a girl with a good sense of humor.”

“The only one with a worse sense of humor than you is Penelope,” Hermione whispered to Mary. Mary squeezed her leg to shut her up.

“In fact,” Clifford readjusted the rearview mirror to get a better look at her, “I have a great idea, Mary. It doesn’t seem like you want to go to this party at all. How about we just drop Hermione off and then I bring you somewhere where we can get to know each other better?”

“Gee, Cliff.” Mary shook her head. “Hermione and I had dinner at her place. I couldn’t stand to eat.”

“Oh, I had somewhere else in mind.” He smiled into the mirror. “Very private. Close by too. We can pick up Hermione afterwards.”

“Mary and I come as a matching set,” Hermione said firmly. “We -”

“So you’ll just have to come with us, Minnie!” Mary dug her nails into Hermione’s leg. “Trust me,” she mouthed at her.

“I had something,” Clifford coughed, “a little more intimate in mind.”

“Oh, Clifford,” Mary laughed. “You have such an excellent sense of humor. I think we know exactly what you have in mind. No girl likes a man who beats around the bush afterall.”

“Right.” Clifford tugged at the collar of his shirt. “Of course. So are we really - “

“Take us to your secluded spot.” She sat back and smiled. “I’m excited.”

Clifford made a sharp turn on the road leading to Greendale and brought them down a dirt road. As they passed the sign that said Blossom Maple Farms, Hermine smacked Mary’s arm. 

“The school van!” she whispered so Clifford wouldn’t hear. “It’s parked right beside the sign!”

Mary turned in her seat to get a look at it. The full moon gave her just enough light that she could make out the Riverdale High logo on the side. 

“Good,” Mary said out of the corner of her mouth. “Now we won’t need to steal the Bentley.”

“What?” 

“What’s going on back there?” Clifford stopped the car outside of the barn. Mary and Hermione shook their heads.

“Nothing,” they said in unison, sending him matching smiles.

He turned around in his seat to look at them. “Are we - is this really going to happen? You girls aren’t just teasing me, are you?”

“Why ever would we tease you, Clifford?” Mary forced a smile. “I mean, you’ve only been asking me out constantly for the past two years despite my insistence that I’m not interested in you.”

“That’s what makes it so strange.” Hermione coughed into her hand to cover her laugh. “All of a sudden, not only are you into me, but you both are?” He sighed. “It almost feels like you two are pulling my leg.”

“Does this look like we’re pulling your leg?” Hermione took Mary’s face in her hands and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. Mary gasped as Hermione slid her tongue into her mouth. She ran her arms around Hermione’s back, pulling their bodies together. Hermione tossed a leg over the other girl and -

“Okay, okay!” Clifford said breathlessly. “Save some for inside.”

Mary and Hermione broke their kiss, but kept their noses pressed together. They turned their eyes to him and smiled. 

“How about,” Mary kissed Hermione softly between her words, “you get inside that barn and get ready for us?”

“By that we mean take some clothes off.” Hermione smiled at him before letting Mary kiss her again. “And we’ll take some clothes out here and meet you inside.” 

“Yeah, uh huh.” A goofy smiled played on Clifford’s lips as he opened the car door. “Just, you know. Don’t do too much without me. I’ll set us up inside.” 

“Two minutes and all your clothes better be off.”

The two waited until they could hear the barn door open and close before they both burst into fits of giggles.

“Did you see the look on his face?”

“God, even after we ditch him he’s going to be jerking it to us for weeks.” Hermione bit her lip and moved a stand of hair out of Mary’s face. Mary’s hands were still resting on her back, holding her close. “Hey, I’m sorry if that kiss came out of nowhere. I just wanted to sell it.”

“It’s fine.” Mary smiled. “Really. It -” she swallowed, “it was nice. You’re a really good kisser.” Mary’s ran her fingers down Hermione’s back. 

“Yeah.” Hermione nodded. “So are you.” 

The two looked into each other’s eyes for a few quiet moments. Mary opened her mouth to say something, but shook her head and let go of Hermione. 

“So the plan -”

“Right.” Hermione let go of Mary’s face. “We steal his clothes.”

Mary pulled the disposable camera out of her purse. “I take some pictures of Clifford in his tighty whities.”

“And we call him a perv for thinking we were really going to double team him in a barn. Or at all for that matter.” 

“And then we run to the school van and make whoever is in there give us a ride!” 

Hermione let out a squeal of excitement. “Maybe this night won’t be such a bust afterall.”

* * *

 

“-and that’s how I figured out what you were up to. So the moral of the story is,” Alice finished as Mary pulled the van down Scotch Street, “FP ruins everything, so don’t include him in your plans.”

“Point taken,” Hermione sighed. “Oh, right there, Mary! 117. That’s the party.”

“Looks a little,” Hal paused to find the right word, “dead?”

“Lame you mean,” Alice corrected. “Wow, this looks like exactly the kind of party I expect Penelope to be at.”

“Be nice,” Hal pleaded. Alice rolled her eyes.

“I’m always nice.” She leaned over to the front seat. “They probably left already. Lets just go back home.”

Mary unbuckled her seatbelt. “Nope. Party or not, that stupid playbook is here and we are getting it. You guys take the van back without us.” She pushed open the door and she and Hermione got out. Hal climbed into the front seat. 

“But how will you guys get a ride back if Penelope and FP left?” he asked.

Hermione shrugged. “We got ourselves all the way here and we will get ourselves home.”

“Thanks for the ride!” Mary called as they drove away. Hermione smacked her shoulder. 

“Don’t thank them!” The two walked step in step across the empty front lawn. Empty cups and other trash was scattered about, but there were hardly any party goers in sight. “They’re the whole reason we had to call Clifford in the first place!”

“Yeah, but if they didn’t do that I never would have been able to get Clifford to leave me alone.” Mary pat her purse. “To think, the person at the One Hour Photo place is going to develop this tomorrow and wonder why it’s a mix of pictures of football plays and a naked Blossom heir.” 

“We’ll slip the kid a five to make sure he keeps his mouth shut.” The two approached the ajar door of the house. “Well I guess we should just -”

“Party died down a while ago,” said a voice to their left. A dark haired girl was sitting on the edge of the porch, smoking a cigarette. “Trust me, Riverdale girls will not be welcome in there.”

Hermione eyed the girl. “Aren’t you from Riverdale?” She nodded. “So what gives?”

“I’m keeping a low profile, obviously.” She jutted her chin down the road. “Your pals made a spectacle of themselves and left. They were both pretty loaded. I doubt they drove off.”

“Our pals?” Mary asked. “How do you -”

“A red headed cheerleader and a dark haired jock?” She nodded. “Yup. They went thataway.” 

“Thanks.” Mary took Hermione’s hand and tugged. But Hermione held back, holding up a finger to the other girl.

“I am so sorry.” Hermione closed her eyes. “Did you say the red headed cheerleader was loaded? I think you’re mistaken.”

“Come on!” Mary pulled Hermione back across the lawn. The took off at a trot down the street until they finally spotted a car jutting out of a parking spot at an angle. The girls looked at each other and nodded.

“Penelope,” they said together. Some off-tune singing met them as they got closer. They stopped their run and approached slowly. Penelope and FP were both sitting on the hood of the car, looking up at the full moon. FP held an empty bottle between the two of them as if it were a microphone. 

“ _ Let the rebels begin _ __  
_ Let the fire be started _ _  
_ __ We're dancing for the restless and the broken -”

“Hermione!” Penelope shouted as she slid off the car. She grabbed some papers off the dashboard and waved them in front of her. “I did it!”

“We did it!” FP corrected. He slid off the car as well and ended up with his ass on the pavement. Mary shook her head and pulled him to his feet. “Well, okay. She did it. But I helped!”

“He did help.” Penelope nodded, still beaming at Hermione. “He did.”

Hermione snatchd the papers and shuffled through them. “Christ, Pen. Good job.” 

“I did do a good job.” Penelope said to herself. “I did.”

Mary opened the backdoor and shoved FP inside. “I have been in Greendale for all of ten minutes and I already have the creeps. Where are your car keys, Penelope?”

She pointed to a bush. “I didn’t trust us not to try and drive home, so I tossed them over there.” She let out a yawn. “I’m going in the car. Let me know when you find them.”

Mary rubbed her temple. “Just like Riverdale parties I guess.”

“Color me impressed.” Hermione was still smiling looking down at the papers. “I can’t believe they pulled it off. We should take them somewhere to celebrate.”

“Milkshakes at Pops?”

“I have a better idea. You know that old saying - ‘When in Greendale, do as the Greendalians do.’”


	5. Fred and Hiram Get Caught

“You know who’s a terrible kisser?” 

Fred’s words slurred as he passed Hiram the bottle of rum. They were taking a dark footpath through the woods behind the Lodge’s that would supposedly lead them right to Thornhill. The rum gave them the courage to not pay attention to the elements.

“You?” Hiram snorted. “Actually, you seem to get enough practice. I’d hope you’re not a shitty kisser.”

“Of course not me.” Fred kicked a large branch out of their way. “Alice.”

The sip Hiram had just taken came back out and sprayed all over Fred. Both boys paused for a  second before they started laughing. Fred wiped his face with the sleeve of his denim jacket.

“Alice?” Hiram bent double and Fred grabbed the bottle - cap long lost - from his hands so it wouldn’t spill. “Okay, Andrews. You’re pulling my leg. Alice would never kiss you.”

“I will have you know I have kissed Alice Smith,” he held up three fingers, “twice!” He took another sip and tucked the bottle under his arm as Hiram collected himself. “First time was fourth grade!” He put down one finger. “She said she wanted her first kiss to me because we were best friends. So I stuck my tongue in her mouth because that’s what it always looked like they were doing on TV and she whacked me square in the head .”

Hiram went into another fit of giggles, falling on his knees in the dirt. “So you are a bad kisser! Wait until I tell Hermione -”

“I was nine! So the second time,” Fred flipped down another finger, “was at a party the beginning of sophomore year, we got paired up playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. We weren’t going to do anything, but we both had way too many of those watermelon wine coolers and then she kind of gave me this look,” Fred raised his eyebrows and pouted his lips out, “so we wound up making out.”

“Gross.” Hiram’s giggles slowed down as he pulled a face. “I could never.”

“Hey, there are way worse flavors of wine coolers.”

“I meant kissing Alice!”

“Oh, well yeah. I mean she tasted like watermelon and cigarettes and used too much tongue. I guess that part was my fault.” He started laughing again and dropped the bottle under his arm, only a bit sloshing out onto his sneaker. “But the worst part,” he snorted, “was when they opened the door, I realized I had her gum in my mouth.”

Hiram gagged and burst out laughing again. “That’s the most disgusting thing I ever heard. Tell me you spit it back at her.”

“I -” Fred shook his head. “I don’t remember actually. Everything happened so fast. The door opened and Mary comes at us telling us FP got all jealous and ran off so Alice and I both split up to go look for him.”

“Oh please.” Hiram crawled over to the bottle where it sat by Fred’s feet. “He was really jealous that Alice kissed you? I thought there was nothing between them?”

Fred shifted his weight back and forth as Hiram looked up at him. “Jealous that Alice kissed me and not him. Yeah.” He ran his hands back through his hair. “That’s totally what I meant.” 

“What else would -”

“Uppsie daisy.” Fred grabbed Hiram’s arm unceremoniously and tugged him to his feet. “Come on, we need to get to this pool before I freeze my balls off.” Hiram stumbled as he came to his feet and Fred grabbed him by either shoulder to steady him. “You sure it’s not too cold to swim?”

“The pool has to be heated,” Hiram said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “They’re Blossoms. You think they’d swim in cold water? Have you ever met a Blossom?”

“Of course I’ve -”

He started walking down the path with Fred on his heels. “I know things about that family that would turn your hair white.” Hiram tilted the bottle towards Fred and some more rum spilled on his sneakers. “Awful, awful things.” He took off back down the trail and Fred jogged a few feet in his wet sneakers to catch up with him.

“Tell me!” Fred squeezed one of Hiram’s shoulders as they walked. “Please? I’m a great secret keeper. I know everyone’s secrets and I never tell anyone!”

“Bullshit!” Hiram scoffed. He shoved the bottle back at Fred. “You couldn’t keep a secret if your life depended on it!”

“I’ll tell you a secret if you tell me one about the Blossoms!”

Hiram rolled his eyes. “Which just proves my point that you’re shit at keeping secrets!” 

“Fine. I’ll -” Fred bounced as he walked. “How about half a secret then? That’s okay, right? About anyone you want.”

“Half a secret?” Fred nodded as he took a pull from the bottle. “Fine. We each tell half a secret. Tell me one about FP.”

Fred lowered the bottle. “He got a handjob in the closet of the music room last week.”

“What?” Hiram turned on him, wide eyed. “That’s - right in school?” Fred nodded. “Who gave it to him?”

Fred smirked. “I said half a secret. Tell me something good enough and maybe I’ll tell you the rest.”

“Was it that sophomore with -” 

“Tell me something good on the Blossoms and we’ll talk.” 

“Fine, fine. But this stays between me and you, yeah?” Hiram reached up and put his arm around Fred’s shoulders. Fred leaned down close to listen. “The Blossom’s have been watering down their maple syrup ever since old man Blossom took over the company from his father in 1972.”

“Whoa.” Fred looked straight ahead, taking another sip. “The Blossoms put water in their syrup?”

“No, moron!” Hiram shoved Fred away from him. Fred stumbled for a few feet, spilling some rum on his jeans. “They’re watering it down! Probably with corn syrup. That’s what most syrup companies do. Yet they’re still marketing it as pure and saving a ton on their gross profit margin.”

“Some people,” Fred waved the bottle and Hiram snatched it from his hands, “could be allergic to corn. They need to label that! I’m allergic to pineapple. If I eat a piece my throat could close up and I could die.”

“Fred! Forget about the -” Hiram sighed. “Well okay, that stuff too. But they’re saving a ton of money by selling at higher retail because people think it’s pure!”

Fred stopped and stamped his feet. “It’s unfair to consumers!” 

“Fuck the consumers! The Blossoms are crooks, Fred! That’s the point I’m making!”

“Hey, have you ever had other maple syrup?” Fred started walking again. The full moon illuminated the woods enough that they could just see the back gates of Thornhill up ahead. “I remember sleeping over at Hal’s in middle school and they had this other brand - his mom drives all the way to Greendale to get it - and it tasted awful. Nothing like Blossom Maple Farms. Those Coopers and their Blossom hate,” he nudged Hiram with his elbow, “amiright?”

“Well yeah, sure. Their syrup is actually great.” Hiram stopped at the gate. “Hal’s dad is the one who told me that story.” He smacked his forehead. “Fuck. Do you think Mr. Cooper just made that up? I’ve told that story to at least fifteen people.”

“And I’m the one who’s bad at keeping secrets?” Fred snorted and playfully hit Hiram’s arm. “Of course he made it up! Mr. Cooper once told me that stuff will give you cancer. The man really needs to let that feud go. It’s been like 50 years.” Fred clapped his hands together. “Okay, Hiram. Now give me a boost!”

“Give you a boost?” Hiram looked up the gate. “You’re taller! I’m the one who needs a boost.”

“Dude, no.” Fred shook his head, his long hair swaying back and forth. “No. You see, this isn’t about height,” he extended his arms above his head, “it’s about upper body strength.” He made both his arms into muscles. “See this? I got nothing. But you?” He put his hands on either of Hiram’s triceps and clicked his teeth. “You’ve got those wrestling muscles. You can totally pull yourself up.”

Hiram let out a chuckle. “Nah, not me. You play baseball! You have that pitching arm!”

“Yeah, one arm and a screwed up shoulder already! But look at you.” He squeezed Hiram’s arms. “You’re jacked! I wish I had these arms.”

“Yeah well.” Hiram shrugged Fred’s hands off and wiped the smile off his face, trying to keep it cool. “I mean like, I guess I’m kind of jacked. Like I try and all. It’s not easy because I naturally have such a small frame. Someone like Hal, you know, he could be ripped if he just put the work in. He has the perfect build for it.”

“Hal! Dude, why didn’t we invite Hal with us?” Fred took one last swig off the bottle and passed it to Hiram. “Was he busy tonight?”

Hiram drained the bottle. “Don’t you remember? Hal’s off chewing Alice’s gum or something.”

Fred let out a bellowing laugh and hit Hiram’s arm. The empty bottle slipped from his hand and shattered on a rock near their feet. “Oh shit. Did we really drink that whole thing? I’m not even drunk.”

“Are you kidding? You’re wasted!” Hiram made to give him a shove and missed, hitting his hand against the fence instead. “Not to mention those couple we had back at my place.”

“Well if I’m wasted, you’re hammered, dude. You can’t even walk straight. How are you going to get me over the fence?”

“How about we both just,” Hiram shrugged, “go through that gate right down there?”

* * *

 

“Okay so I don’t see Penelope’s or Clifford’s car out front,” Hiram said as he found Fred sitting by the pool. 

“No lights on in the house.” Fred pulled his jacket off. “Parents must be asleep. I think we’re safe.” He started unbuckling his pants.

“What’re you doing?”

“Taking off my clothes to swim. Duh.” Fred raised an eyebrow. “Did you put on a bathing suit when we were at your place?”

“What? No, why I - I didn’t even think of that.”

Fred shrugged and pulled his shirt over his head. “Guess we’re both going commando.”

“We - we -” Hiram felt a sweat breaking out, despite the cool night. “We can stay in our underwear though.”

“You want to put jeans on over wet undies later? Been there, done that. The chafing will do a number on you.” Fred kicked his sneakers and jeans off, his thumbs linked around the elastic waistband of his boxers. “It’s not like you need to look.” 

Hiram’s cheeks redden. “I wasn’t going to look! I don’t need to see anything you have to offer.” 

“Right dude.” Fred clapped him on the shoulder. “I won’t look either.”

Fred dropped his boxers and, in one fluid motion, dove into the pool. Hiram turned his back to Fred and slowly started peeling off each piece of clothing, folding them and nearly placing them on a chaise lawn chair. When he was down to just his boxers, he considered just jumping in, but that one word kept ringing in his ears.  _ Chafing _ . A shudder ran through him as he finally took Fred’s example and pulled down his boxers. He ran the few feet to the pool and dived, landing a few feet from Fred.

Fred let out a loud yell. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” 

“God this feelings amazing.” Hiram dunked his head underwater and brought it back up. “I need to get on my parents about getting a pool. What do you think the temp on this water is? It’s got to be,” he bounced up and down a bit, “82. No! 84 degrees fahrenheit. Imagine that. Keeping your pool heated when no one is even out in it. Amazing.”

Fred screwed up his face and whacked some water out of his ears. “You hear something?”

“Yeah, I just said -”

“No, I mean I think I heard some,” he paused looking for the word, “thing.”

“Like a person? An animal?” Hiram waited breathlessly as Fred shook his head. “A monster? A ghost?”

“Don’t be stupid, Hiram.” Fred rolled his eyes. “Ghosts don’t make any noise. No, it sounded like a car or a helicopter.”

“Cars and helicopters don’t sound a damn thing alike.”

“Well it was -”

“Penelope?” a voice called out. “Are you by the pool?”

“Oh fuck. Is that -”

“I just had the worst date of my life,” the voice whined as it came closer. 

“Clifford!” both boys hissed at once.

“You know I thought Mary liked me but -”

Hiram gestured under the water. Both boys took a deep breath and went under, getting as close to the edge of the pool as possible. Anyone would have to stand right next to it and look down to see them. 

“- I guess she was just using me for ride.” Clifford’s voice came out muffled through the water. “Penelope?”

Fred felt the pressure building in his head. Enough swimming at Sweetwater River told him he could hold his breath for just under a minute. He started counting backwards in his head. 

“Penelope, are you out here?”

_ Fifty _ . Fred opened his eyes, ignoring the sting from the chlorine, to get a look at Hiram. The other boy was in a similar predicament. His eyes were shut tight as he held onto the bottom of the ladder for dear life.

_ Forty _ . 

“Penelope?”

Fred didn’t bother looking up, afraid Clifford might be close enough to look down and see him.

_ Thirty _ . 

“Strange. I swore I heard something.” 

Clifford’s footsteps faded away as Fred reached fifteen. He popped out of the water for a breath with Hiram following. 

“I stayed under,” Hiram gasped for breath, “longer than you.”

“By half a second.” Fred nudged Hiram up the ladder to get him to climb. He all of a sudden felt quite sober. “Lets run before he comes back.”

“Towels!” Hiram ran to the nearest chair and grabbed one. “He must have brought them out for Penelope.” He wrapped one around his waist quickly before turning around to Fred. His eyes darted down for a second before he violently tossed the other towel. “I - damnit, Andrews. Cover that up. I don’t need to see -”

“I didn’t take a peek, Hiram, don’t worry.” He wrapped the towel around his waist. 

“Shove it.” Hiram looked back down at the chair. “Hey, what happened to our clothes?”

“What - what do you mean what happened to our clothes?”

Hiram groaned. “Well I folded mine neatly and put them right here on this chair.” He pointed to the floor. “Right after you stripped and left your stuff everywhere!” 

Fred sucked his teeth. “I didn’t leave my stuff -” 

“Yes, you did,” a voice said from behind him. “Hasn’t your mother ever taught you to clean up after yourself?” Clifford stood in the door leading out of Thornhill with a shotgun aimed at them. “Andrews. Lodge.” He nodded at each of them. “Hands up.”

Fred’s hands shot into the air Hiram let out a nervous chuckle. “Cliff, pal. It’s just me. Why should I -”

“I said hands up, Lodge.” He made no move to lower the gun. “You’re trespassing on my property. I am within my rights to shoot you.”

“We’re not trespassing!” Fred shouted. Clifford’s eyes traveled to him, but he kept the gun pointed at Hiram. Fred nudged the other boy until Hiram reluctantly put his arms in the air. “It’s not trespassing if we were invited, right? Penelope invited us.”

Clifford’s eyes rolled. “Penelope isn’t even home.”

“We didn’t say she was home.” Hiram’s eyes darted to Fred and Fred nodded. “She told us we were free to use the pool for, you know,” he swallowed, “reasons.”

“Reasons?” Clifford lowered the gun ever so slightly. “Like what?”

“Like, well -”

“We’re dating!” Fred blurted out. “We can use the pool because we’re dating!”

Clifford raised his eyebrow.  “You’re dating Penelope?” 

“No,” Fred said slowly. He looked to Hiram and Clifford turned to him.

“You’re dating Penelope?”

“Eww, no.” Hiram pulled a face. 

“Then what -”

“No, no, no.” Fred gestured between him and Hiram and the gun was raised again. “I mean me and Hiram are dating.” He shot his hands back up. “We’re together and, well, Penelope understands the struggles of, you know, these kinds of things.”

“I don’t know.” Clifford’s voice was deadpan. “What kinds of things and why would Penelope understand them?”

Fred nudged Hiram with his foot. “Secret - secret relationships!” Hiram tried. “Penelope knows all about those.”

Clifford’s face screwed up. “What on earth? What secret relationship would Penelope know about?”

Hiram scoffed. “Well if we told you, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore, now would it?” He shook his head and looked to Fred. “This guy, huh?”

“Anyway, Penelope understands our - our struggle,” Fred pleaded. “And she wanted to help. She said if we needed somewhere private, she’d be happy to let us hang out here when no one’s home.” 

Clifford sighed. “You expect me to believe all of this?”

“Yeah, because it’s true!”

“First of all, Penelope isn’t friends with either of you,” Clifford said matter of factly. “Why would she offer up our home for your sexual escapades?” 

“Not your home,” Fred corrected. “Just the pool.”

“We are,” Hiram looked to Fred, silently pleading with him to shut his mouth, “excellent friends with Penelope. We hang out with her all the time.”

“This!” Fred explained. “This is one of those secret relationships! Secret friend relationships!”

“Friendships!” Hiram corrected. “Secret friendships! Like the one we have with Penelope.”

“Second of all,” Clifford continued, his expression unchanged, “you two aren’t dating.”

“We’re not dating?” Fred kept his arms raised but pointed a finger down at Hiram. “This guy? I love him. Look at him. Those arms? That face? Am I the luckiest guy in the world or what?” Fred swallowed the lump in his throat. “Right, Hiram? Ram? Ramikins?”

“Right,” Hiram nodded slowly, forcing a smile. “Right, Freddie. Of course we’re dating. We have been an item for - for months now.” He turned his head to Fred. “I love you.”

“Prove it,” Clifford said simply. “Prove your dating.”

“Well, our first date we - we went to get sushi. Sushi in Greendale.”

“I don’t want your life story.” Clifford waved the gun towards Fred. “Just do something. Kiss or something.”

“What? No. Gross.”

“Gross to kiss your boyfriend, Lodge?”

“Yeah, Lodge.” Fred kicked at him. “What the hell?”

“Gross that you’d want to watch, Blossom!” Hiram snorted. “You some kind of vouyer or something? Get off on watching two -”

Clifford rolled his eyes. “Do it or I shoot.”

“You can’t shoot us!”

“Fine. Kiss Andrews or I’ll call the police. Have fun explaining to your parents why you were both naked in my pool.”

“Fine! Fine. We’ll kiss.” He gulped. “Can we just put our arms down to do it?”

“No.” Clifford narrowed his eyes. “I don’t trust you.”

“Just me then,” Fred butt in. “I need physical contact to kiss. What do you want? For us to just lean in and peck? That’s a kiss for your grandma, not your boyfriend.”

“Fine, whatever,” Clifford groaned. “Just hurry it up and make it good.”

“Make it good?” Hiram mouthed as Fred lowered his arms and took a step closer to Hiram.

“Kiss and we’ll make a run for it,” Fred muttered out of the corner of his mouth. “Zig zag and stay low.” He quickly took Hiram’s face in his hands and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. Hiram closed his eyes and let Fred’s tongue sneak into his mouth.

He had to admit, Fred Andrews had come a long way from the guy who’d unceremoniously stuck his tongue in Alice’s mouth in fourth grade. It wasn’t half bad. 

Hiram’s lips were still puckered as Fred broke away. He whispered, “We need a distraction,” as he took a step back. “So there you go,” he said so Clifford could hear him. “We swam, we kissed. Can we please have our clothes so we can go?”

“And can I put my arms down now?” Hiram asked. He shook his hips back and forth a bit. “My towel is coming loose.” 

“Andrews, fix his towel,” Clifford demanded. The gun was lowering by the second, his arms obviously getting tired.

“Fix his towel?” Fred looked Hiram up and down. “You know, we’re not in that intimate part of our relationship yet. Hiram should fix his own towel.”

“You two were just swimming in the nude. Do it.” 

“Okay then.” Fred slowly reached for Hiram’s towel. As he turned his back to Clifford, he could see him lower the gun entirely. “Run,” he hissed. 

Hiram reacted a split second later, running in the direction they’d come from, his hands clutching the towel around his waist. Fred took off right after him, cursing that Clifford had taken their shoes along with their clothes. 

He followed Hiram’s lead through the woods. He could hear Clifford chasing them, obviously not satisfied that he hadn’t gotten a shot in before getting them off his property. Fred felt a pang in his chest. That denim jacket was his favorite. And he was almost positive he’d been wearing a t-shirt FP left at his house. 

Hiram took a sudden turn, running through another path. 

“Where are we going?” 

“Main road,” Hiram panted. “It’ll take longer but it’ll throw him off if he’s heading right to my house.”

They ran for another two minutes before hitting the main road, the one that led to the outskirts of Riverdale, past Sweetwater River, and right into Greendale. They caught their breath on the side of the road. 

“I don’t think he followed us,” Fred said, peering into the dark woods. The oversized full moon lay directly over them, not a cloud in the sky to block it out. 

“I love that watch.” Hiram looked sadly at his wrist. “Clifford’s never giving it back.”

“I loved that jacket.”

Hiram rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry. I’ll give you $10 to get another one at Mal-Mart.”

“Really?”

Hiram didn’t answer, just turned in the direction of Riverdale and started walking. Fred followed.

“I could use another drink. Or five.”

“Same.” Fred rolled his shoulders, sore from holding his arms up for so long. “My buzz is totally gone.” 

“Well, there’s plenty to drink in my house.” Hiram shivered and wrapped his arms around his bare chest. “But we should take our time. In case he’s waiting there for us.”

Fred tossed his hair back and sighed. “This sucks. It’s cold. We’re wet. We don’t have any shoes.”

“Shit.” Hiram stopped and grabbed Fred’s arm. “You see that?”

A pair of headlights was coming up behind them from the Greendale road, the high beams flashing on and off to get their attention. Hiram dug his nails into Fred.

“Do we run back into the woods?”

“What’s the point?” Fred waved at the approaching vehicle. “They’ve seen us.”

“Don’t wave!” Hiram pulled Fred’s arm down. “They could be serial killers!”

“In Riverdale? What’s the chance?”

“They’re coming from Greendale! You know the kind of shit that goes on there.”

It wasn’t until the van was twenty or so feet away that the Riverdale High logo became visible. It came to a rolling stop in front of them. The window rolled down and Hal stuck his head out. 

“Hiram?” he asked, looking between them. “Fred?” He looked to the passenger side. “I told you it was them.”

Alice climbed over Hal’s lap to get a look at them. “What in the ever loving fuck are you guys doing here? And,” she turned up her nose, “why the hell are you guys naked?”

“Why the hell are you guys driving the school van back from Greendale?” Hiram asked. 

Alice and Hal exchanged a look. 

“You guys tell your story first,” Alice commanded. 

“I am not -”

“Sure, sure.” Fred grabbed Hiram by the arm and pulled him to the back door. “But lets do it over something to eat? I’m going to puke up rum and chlorine if I don’t get something in my stomach soon.”

 


	6. Tom and Sierra Can't Catch a Break

“Okay, we’re here.” 

Sierra reached up to remove the blindfold from her eyes but Tom stopped her.

“Nope, not yet,” her boyfriend teased. “Let me get you out first.”

She bit her lip as Tom slammed the door behind him. Even with the blindfold on, she knew  exactly what he’d look like, rushing around the front of the car to open her side before she could do it herself. A perpetual gentleman.

Things had been difficult ever Sierra’s parents found out about them a month earlier. Phone calls had been made. Parents had been met. Discussions had. And at the end it was decided for them that they wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.

As if.

Thus cued their sneaking around. Going out on dates with groups of friends to avoid suspicion. Finding little moments at school to be alone. All of that awful stuff. But tonight Tom had promised her a treat. Sure, she’d have to lie to her parents about where she was going and tell them she was sleeping over at Mary’s, but it’d be worth it for a night alone with Tommy.

“Here we go.” Sierra felt the cool autumn air hit her as the door opened. Tom took her hand and helped her out. 

“Okay, just a few more feet,” he instructed, leading her across the parking lot. Sierra couldn’t keep the grin off her face. “Just a few more. Okay. Perfect.” Tom let go of her hands. “Take it off.”

Sierra ripped the blindfold off and held her breath. The neon lights hit her so hard she didn’t even notice the full moon behind the sign. For a second, she thought they were at Pops, but no. It was another diner, one that lacked the small town charm of the one back home. No, not even a diner. It was more like a truck stop. She could see the main road between Riverdale and Greendale right before them. A place that lonely people stopped to pick up a quick bite before -

“Well?” Tom asked hopefully, pulling her out of her thoughts. His smile almost made her forget where they were. “Perfect, right?”

Sierra forced the grin to stay on her face. She nodded slowly. “It’s - it’s a greasy truck stop,” she laughed, hoping she sounded amused instead of let down. “Your surprise is a greasy truck stop?”

“Yes! Well, no.” He kept smiling as he took her shoulders and turned her around entirely. “You’re not looking at the whole picture.”

“The whole picture?” Sierra closed her eyes so she wouldn’t get dizzy, but kept the fake smile on.

He made her look at the small diner again and put his chin on her shoulder so they were both staring at it. “It’s not that we’re at a greasy truck stop. It’s that we’re at a greasy truck stop,” he wrapped his arms around her waist, “away from Riverdale.”

“Oh.” Sierra’s eyes suddenly winded and the real smile came back to her face. “We’re not in Riverdale. So that means -”

Tom spun her around. “No one knows us here.”

“We can sit on the same side of the booth,” she said breathlessly. 

“We can share a milkshake with only one straw.”

“We can eat off each other’s plates.”

“We can kiss and not care who sees us.”

She tossed her arms around his neck. “We can do that right here.”

Tom leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Sierra’s lips. They only broke apart when a car horn brought them both back to earth. Two vehicles were coming in to the parking lot, a small sedan just narrowly missing a large van. The van slammed to a halt and let the red car pass in front of it. Both zoomed to the middle of the parking lot, Tom and Sierra still embracing in their headlights. Several doors opened all at once and four people climbed out of each car.

“What the hell, Mary! Were you trying to kill us?”

“Are all redheads shitty drivers?”

“God, the brakes on your car are awful, Penelope! They stick!”

“No wonder she hit the Shaggin Wagon in the parking lot that one time.”

“See! I am a good driver!”

“Lets not get carried away.”

“Who has a pen and paper? I need to write down this number before it smears off my hand.”

“Whose number is that? You off picking up chicks when you just climbed out of a car with three of them?”

“Hiram, what are you doing with that windbreaker on?” 

“I don’t know her name. I’ll describe her.”

“Oh my god, why aren’t you two wearing pants?”

“We misplaced them.”

“Brunette, smoking hot.”

“Really though, that windbreaker has touched some things you don’t want to know.”

“A pen guys! Anyone?” 

“I have an eyeliner pencil. Smudge proof!”

“God, I could use a milkshake.”

“This place looks like a great place to pick up hepatitis. Maybe you can get that before picking up random girls in Greendale!”

“Well I’m sure there’s nothing on under that towel, that’s a great way to catch something too.”

“Please, Hiram. Take the windbreaker off. You’ll trust me later.”

“Give me my jacket back, Fred! You look like a moron in leather.”

“I look great!” 

“FP, give him your jacket. I don’t even let Hal wear mine.”

“As if Hal could fit in this! I look good.”

“Hiram, please. Take my jacket instead.”

“I will not take fashion advice from someone in a denim skirt, Mary!”

“Okay, guys. Lets just go in. I’m starving.” Hal tugged Alice away Fred who was peeling her leather jacket off his small frame. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the two of them. “Sierra? Tom?” The rest of the group turned and looked their way. “What are you guys doing here?” 

“We were,” Tom looked down at Sierra, “well you see -”

“What are you guys doing here?” She pulled herself away from Tom and put her hands on her hips. “You guys all look like you’re in shambles.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Can’t very well take the school van to Pops.”

Tom coughed. “Why do you have -”

“And Penelope and FP are too drunk for Pops,”  Hermione chimed in. “They’d embarrass us. Someone might see.”

“I am not drunk!” Penelope hiccuped and covered her mouth.

“She’s wasted,” Hermione mouthed behind her hand.

FP put his arm around Hal’s shoulders. “Come on. Lets go push some tables together.”

“I’ll help!” Fred went after them, pulling his arms into FP’s oversized varsity jacket.

“You’re not wearing pants. I’d hate for something to peek out.”

“Oh, please,” Hiram scoffed. “I’ve seen more of Fred Andrew’s tonight than I ever wanted to.”

“Likewise, Lodge. Not like there was much to see. I get it. It was cold after getting out of that pool.”

Penelope hiccuped again. “Wait, what pool?”

The group continued walking towards the diner. Mary sighed as Hermione linked arms with her. “There’s nothing under those towels, is there?”

“God, I hope not,” Hermione squealed. “Lets hope they get in a scuffle and loose them.”

“Gross, Minnie.”

“You two are coming, aren’t you?” Penelope asked hopefully as the rest walked inside. She beamed at Sierra, her braces gleaming in the moonlight. “Oh, you’ll sit next to me, Sierra, won’t you?”

Sierra forced another smile and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, of course, Penelope.” She and Tom followed slowly behind her as Penelope held the door open for them. “Sorry, Tommy,” she muttered out of the side of her mouth. 

“Don’t be.” He nudged her softly with his elbow. “It’ll be our time one day.”

She nodded, another smile playing on her lips. “Yeah. One day.”


End file.
